Reflections

I think about all the ways you saved me
All the million of little ways you rescued me from my life
You were unexpected, but needed so desperately
You were my reason for living

When I first held you, I thought my body would explode
Never could i have imagined such a love could ever exsist
I felt my body burst with light, with love, with completion
You were there...right there upon my chest
my little savior, my everything.

They say I almost died, but it didn't matter
I would risk my life again and again for you
You are worth everything I could ever give and more
My precious precious angel

I've watched you grow and am so proud of the little man you have become
Always running to my arms
Always needing my love
We've been through so much together
I have put you through so much
I am so sorry for that
Sorry you've had to meander down my paths
waiting for me to get things right
You were such a trooper
I am so proud of you

Now you are older
And even though i yell, and you often are mad or hurt by me
You still come running to my arms
Telling me that you will protect me
Cause you are my little man

I will never forget the Christmas
where you saved money to buy me a present all by yourself
It was the greatest present i ever received
A small heart shaped metal ring
"When a boy loves a girl more than anything in this world
he buys her a ring. Here is your ring mommy, cause i love you
more than anything in this world."

You have brought me more joy than I have ever imagined
You have taught me more about love and life than I could have ever learned on my own
And even though I fall so short everyday, you love me
And forgive me for all the mistakes i make

So Tristan...my angel, my everything
Thank you for giving me the most amazing life I could ever have
Thank you for every lesson you ever taught me
For making me so proud everyday
For having the biggest heart
And for never being embarassed to hug and kiss your mommy no matter how many of your friends are watching
i love you

Things I've Been Doing Wrong

One of the highlights of my week is going to therapy.

It's important for us to indulge ourselves every so often. Do do the things that make us happy. Invest the time in allowing ourselves to feel good. Some people have pedicures, some people have a form of art they practice, some run, I go to therapy.

I know many people don't understand this, but its the absolute best thing I could give myself. It's a big shiny present all wrapped up for me. It is my therapists little office, that I realize my truths. That I appreciate the power of my mind, that i slowly can remove the layers of bull shit i have dressed myself in over the years.

The great thing about me going to therapy now, is that there is no crisis in my life. There isn't something that is driving me to the breaking point. There isn't anything major going on. I have managed to learn enough through my previous therapy experiences how to overcome all that. I am grateful. Now, I look at the smaller stuff. The things I tend to brush over, but in fact catalyze so much in my life. That's what I talk about. It feels so good. I feel that I reach deeper and deeper into a state of peace. It's a wonderful thing.

So we have been doing something called EFT. I tap places on my body, while admitting truths about myself and affirmations. At first I felt kinda dumb, but as I did it, this immense clarity came to my thinking, I began to lift the veil off of things and realize the root problem. And as most people know, the root of my problem is me and my mental attitude. I process left me calm and relaxed. It felt wonderful and opened up new realms of truth within me. I find that I am treating my children with more understanding and showing more patience. What a blessing.

I have been doing more and more reading lately. It was brought to my attention that I (as well as society) have been going about teaching children the wrong way. Our facts are one sided. We tell them to do things, without giving them the power to draw their own conclusions as to why things should be done that way. We don't allow our kids to think anymore. They just follow rules, and memorize other people's truths without ever finding their own. No wonder why they rebel so much. If they do happen to tap into their own truth, our society has no tolerance for it. In essence, we are telling them that they have no place in our world.

This brings me to what I am experiencing now. I have been finding my inner truth. I have blocked it out for so long thinking that was what I was supposed to do. Now that I have found it, I want it to have a voice. I want to bring it to the surface. For it is the core of who I am.. a core i am proud of and would love to rejoice in. But my truth has no label. It is every religion and it is no religion. It has no name and so it is hard for me to identify..to find others like me.
I find truth in Christianity, but i do not fit as a christian. I find beauty in Judaism, but i do not fit as a Jew. I admire and respect Buddhism and Hinduism...but i am neither. So who do I flock to? where is my place? I describe myself at best as a Christian mystic, but i do not believe that term truly sums me up. As much as I find beauty in not being defined, there is an emptiness in it. All other religions would turn their head at my beliefs..because there is not yet a place for them in this world. Not a permanent one anyway, which thereby leaves me feeling alone and unaccepted.
Knowing this feeling, although its in a slightly different respect, I realize that I can not go on raising my children the way I have. I cannot dictate to them rules they much follow if they disagree with them. I got to let them back in the picture. My kids do not belong to me. They were entrusted to me to care for and guide. They are souls are strong and developed as I am. They have been around just as long as I have. They feel the same things as I have. And while it is my place to guide and protect them. It is not my place to keep them from understanding themselves and their own journey here.

My favorite song from Dar Williams says, "All the things you treasure most will be the hardest ones. I will watch you struggle long before the answers come. But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on. I'll be the light that guides you down the road you're walking on. You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. When they ask how far love goes, when my jobs done you'll be the one who knows."

I cry each time i hear those words. The words of the mother I want to be, the mother I am, the mother i fall short of. It reminds me of my purpose and the jobs I am here to do.
No longer will I fall short of the prize. I do what I must do to become the woman I am.. the mother I need to be...the teacher of my time.

So I go to therapy to unlock the secrets of my power. Can you now see why I love it so?

What I Want For Christmas

Let me preface this entry by stating that I know that I am complete, and there is nothing in this life that I need. I know this.

However, it is human nature to desire things in this world. There is something that we are taught that tells us that life is much more enjoyable when you have fun things. And right now, in my present state, I agree. I want things!!!

It's been such a very long time that I actually had a real Christmas list of things I truly desired. I have always been blessed in the past, that when there was something I wanted badly enough, I could just go and get it. Simple as that.

But then this economy hit, and my 3 children began eating me out of house and home. I mean seriously..we got nothing. All my money leaves the bank and goes directly into feeding my kids and paying for school stuff. I know the schools are poor too, but seriously...some of the prices on things that were free when i was growing up are absolutely ridiculous.

So now, for the first time since I can remember, I have a Christmas list. It is quite extensive. This list will probably be around for a while because I know that if I am truly blessed, I will hopefully receive perhaps two things on my list, which leaves the rest for next Christmas. My husband will probably receive everything on his insane Christmas list, because..well..he buys it all and then passes them off as family presents. I generally encourage this I suppose, because after I find that he buys all this stuff, I cant bring myself to ask for anything. I mean.. we can't afford anything for me. The Christmas present I was promised last year, I received in August of this year. And that was only because I found something similar to what I wanted at 1/3 of the price. So you can see I am having trouble being hopeful.

So why am I putting all of this stuff down in my blog? I am praying that if I let my desires out there into the universe that God will hear them and my chances of a good Christmas will increase. Selfish? absolutely! But I feel that I deserve to be selfish for once!

So God.. In all your power and glory, I am thankful in knowing that you will supply my hearts desires. I thank you in advance for making this the best Christmas ever for me. Thank you for finding a way to provide me with some of these amazing things. In other words.. You Rock!

Black Simply Vera Tote Bag at Kohls- I know it seems silly that a purse is the first thing I list, but if you only saw this purse, you would understand. It called to me across the department store. I saw it and as I drew near, it captured my heart. It was lovely, divine, and 30% off.

Rock Band 2 - I am a stay at home mom who has sacrificed her dreams (temporarily) for the sake of raising her children. I need to still keep my passions alive. I need to rock out through my X-box 360 to fulfill all my rock star fantasies. Thank you for providing me with this opportunity God. I have a grand feeling I might open this up at Christmas...mainly because its on my husbands list. :)

Brida- It's a book by the amazing and wonderful author Paulo Coelho. It's one of the two translated books by him that I have yet to read. I hear wonderful things. I know.. its just a simple book, but I can't afford to buy books mainly because I can buy my kids pop tarts, and lunch for the week with the money I would need to spend, and that is more important. My public library does not carry this book (boo!!) so I am kinda stuck.

Gift Cards - God, I worked really hard to lose 20 of the 45 pounds I gained from my pregnancy. Now, I know that I can't afford to continue my diet right now, so its put on hold, but I would sure like to have clothes that actually fit me that can help me feel good about myself again. My closet is a size 4 and a size 14. I am a size 8 currently. Please help me out with this God. Thanks!

The Kindle - This I feel really guilty about putting on here, because it is expensive, and I don't really NEED it. I just want it! It's so cool! I can load all these books on it and take it wherever I go. I am really big into reading and I just love it. Anyway, there are things I need more, but God..if you can find a way work this, I will do an amazing dance for you! Sigh.. I wish you accepted bribes.

Red String (Kabbalah) - I find something truly beautiful about wearing the red string. I love what it stands for, I love that it serves as a reminder, But most of all, I think that it would really help me..on my path. I am just learning about it, and yes, there are things that are hard for me to understand and agree with, but this is not one of them. I love it. And since my friend Daniel told me that red curling ribbon will not suffice (sigh) I will add this to the list. God, if someone blesses me with a present that has any sort of red string around it, I am taking it as a sign. :)

Whew.. that felt good and extremely selfish all at the same time. Damn you ego..just let me be.
This is my dream board ( in a sense ). I expressed my desires and now I am happy to see what comes of it all. I expect good things. For I am hopeful.

For those of you who read this, I will let you know post Christmas what happens.


Update: My lovely and wonderful friend Cheryl just bought me Brida as a present. I am so excited!!! Thank you Cheryl !!! One thing crossed off my list. YAY!

Pride

Today I am proud.
I am proud of the country I am living in.
I am proud that fear tactics did not stop us.
I am proud that our country came out in record numbers to say, my voice counts and I am going to make sure it is heard.
I am proud that the ideals this country was founded on (for the most part) were honored.
I am proud that millions are inspired.
We turned the tables, we made history, we reminded the world that underneath the surface, we are all people wanting the same thing.

Amidst all the pride, there is still a ways to go in our nations growth.

I am saddened that I must refrain from sharing my joy because I am surrounded by close minded people who would attack me for experiencing national pride after this election.
I am saddened that people's fear and hatred has stopped this country from treating each other equally and fairly.
That equality, something our country was founded on, is seen as a privilege that only a select group is allowed to experience.
I am sad that people forget that the same God who made McCain is the God who made Obama, and he made them both perfect.
That regardless of who is in charge, God's will is still going to be done.
That somehow the Republicans of this country are scared and appalled and somehow forgot that us Democrats felt the same emotions when Bush first won the presidency..yet we are still here.

Overall, I am proud of this exciting and wonderful life our creator made for us and am truly happy to have experienced every emotion that this election has stirred. We all are truly blessed for this experience

Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that there are people placed in this world to teach me things I need to learn along my path.

For instance, the guy that runs the sound board at my church is here to teach me anger management. He constantly turns off the stage monitor which results in me screaming into the microphone thus straining my voice and forcing me to sound pitchy. But that's his job. Because through me holding my tongue back from yelling all the explicit words I have in mind for him and by channeling the anger and embarrassment I hold within into something more positive, I am in essence fulfilling one of my life's purposes.

My Pastor taught me through the airing of his video at the beginning of his sermon today, that I must practice tolerance. The video demonstrated that through picking the "wrong man" for president we would be a disappointment to Jesus Christ and we would be giving a green light for our country to slaughter unborn babies. It was also made known that by supporting the Democratic Party we would be pushing children in the San Francisco area into a life of legalized prostitution. Enduring that sermon without walking out during the middle of it was a triumph of my spirit and soul. I reminded myself that ignorance in rampant throughout our country and those that claim to represent everything that is good and loving in this world are often the most judgemental and hypocritical ones. However, I have the power to deflect their negativity and ignorance from affecting my life by tolerating their opinions and reminding myself that they are there to teach me this lesson in tolerance.

The lady who posted a huge handwritten poster on her lawn screaming about how Barack Obama is a baby killer is placed on this earth to remind me that people can easily be lead to believe all kinds of things that are not true and I am blessed to be at a place in my life where I can tune into my soul and the energy of God and make decisions for myself.

Although all these instances and things sparked immediate negative feelings within me, I am blessed to have experienced them today because it is through the recognition of their lessons that I shall continue to grow in my faith.

Bible Study

I host a Bible Study every other Saturday morning with my family. My mother, aunt, and cousins all come over and do this absolutely wonderful study called "So The World May Know". It's a DVD study in which a historian and archaeologist actually goes through Jerusalem, to the actual places major stories of the Bible took place in. You get a sense of the area from a geographic standpoint which helps you appreciate its importance. Then they discuss the story that took place there and its significance. I think its fascinating and I enjoy my study very much.

Today however, it turned a bit ugly for me. I am not sure, but someone brought up the topic of Oprah and how she was too full of herself and proud, but because she follows basic biblical principles, even though she is not a Christian, she is blessed.

Now, I thoroughly enjoy Oprah. I am not one of these women who place her on a pedestal, but i think she comes from a true and authentic place in what she does, and so I appreciate her immensely. When I think of Oprah, i see someone who is extremely generous and giving. I see someone who is demonstrates Christs love for our fellow man. I know that she is a Christian, but she sees a bigger picture in things.

I happened to speak up and tell the group that Oprah is in fact a Christian and that I do not see her as being full of herself in the slightest. She is very honest and open. She is aware that there is still so much to learn from people and is open to it. I respect that.

"She's not really a Christian. She is a mystic! She believes in all that karma crap and yoga stuff. All of that is Hindu belief and such.. that isn't God. She's not Christian! All that meditation garbage...."

I held my tongue. Wow! If this is how she feels about Oprah, what does that mean about how she feels about me. I mean, here I am... very much on the same page as Oprah (not BECAUSE of Oprah mind you), and i am still hosting a Bible study because I very much believe in the Bible and Jesus Christ...but now I am not considered a Christian? Maybe I am not any more....who knows... but is that a bad thing?

They started talking about the whole "A New Earth" garbage. LOL. I told them that I was reading that book and that I enjoyed it. "It's anti-Christian" I was told. Was it? I don't find it to be about "religion" at all. I find it to be about distinguishing your soul from your mind and living your live from an authentic place within your soul.. which is in fact who you really are.

My aunt started blasting meditation. I asked, "What's wrong with meditation?"
"meditating on the Bible is fine. But they want you to do all that garbage about meditating on the God that's within you. As if you yourself are some sort of God."

"Do you believe that our soul is a piece of God?, " I asked.
"Yes, but that is only because I have accepted Jesus Christ. God can't live within your soul unless you accept his son as your personal savior."

Wow, I thought. It's not important to accept God as your savior.. only his son. I believe in Jesus Christ and his teachings 100%. I do believe that he is the son of God. However, I believe we all are the children of God. I believe that accepting Jesus Christ as our personal savior is accepting his teachings and his way of life, his way of interacting with others, is the way to achieve our personal salvation.

This is what I don't get. When someone we love dies, and he is not "saved", we are told to believe that through prayer that they go to heaven because God has mercy on them. Why do we not think that God doesn't have mercy on us while we are alive? I mean look at the millions of people who have lived on this Earth and who have died. Even before Jesus's time. Do we really believe that God discarded them because they did not believe in Jesus who may or may not have existed during their lifetime? Are we to believe that God, the all mighty and all powerful created more than half of us for the reason of destroying us or punishing us for not believing in Him? If we are truly all God's children, do we think that God is a parent that would kick us out of the house and tell us not to come home? Would he not ave a space for us at his table? It doesn't add up to me. There are too many loose strings.

As far as trashing karma, how could that be? Isn't karma nothing more than "being a good christian." Treat others as you believe Christ would have treated them. If you are mean or do bad things to others, you leave yourself open for bad things to happen to you. I mean the Bible is full of stories of how people who did not follow the directions God bestowed upon them are showered by tragedy and obstacles. It was only when they found their way back to God that everything was made right again. Isn't that karma in a nut shell? Do good, you receive blessings. Stray from good, you receive turmoil. What's the difference.

My mother felt uncomfortable. I know she did because she knows that I am broadening my religious horizons and she does not approve. She doesn't want to know about what I am learning or how amazing it has made life. She wants no part of it. She is praying for God to save my soul. She doesn't realize that I am already saved because I feel that I am living in truth. It's weird when we see our parents, our elders, and think.. they still have so much to learn.

The Reminder

I felt my soul today, and she was perfect. She was warm and emitted an red and amber like glow. She brushed my hair away from my forehead and kissed my eyelids. She told me she loved me. And I loved her. She was perfect.

I felt her presence within me like a warm hug. She wrapped herself around me and held me tight. Not too tight. The perfect amount. She was perfect. She told me I was beautiful. She told me I possessed so much talent. She told me that my family, my creator, and all my kindred spirits were so proud of me. She was perfect.

She was excited about all the great things I am to do. She was encouraging in all the opportunities placed before me. She told me that it didn't matter which route that I took, that eventually all of them will be actualized. She said that in the end, none of it is important....but I am important. I am so very important.

She told me that the eyes on my body couldn't see me. That they weren't made to filter the amazing light that emanates from me. Just like they can't stare at sun even though its thousands and thousands of miles away from us. But she could see me. She could see all of me, and what she saw was perfect.

She told me that my body resonated love and beauty. She told me that I inspire others. She told me that I am needed in such a huge way. A way I could never comprehend here on Earth. She told me that I was some one's best friend. That I was some one's greatest love. I was some one's hero. Everything she said, was exactly what I needed to hear. She was perfect.

She told me that she was me. The me that will live for eternity. The only me I would ever have.

I am Perfect.

What Will I Create?

It seems like it would be such a simple thing to answer, but its one of the hardest questions I ever had to ask myself. What will I create?

As I am learning throughout my spiritual journey, I am a creator. It is within my power to create the life I have always dreamed of. It is within my power to be whoever I want to be, experience whatever I want to experience, do whatever I want to do. I have learned that the key to my success is in my passion. If it is something I really want, and truly love doing, it will bring the maximum satisfaction to my life. Everything I desire or need is within my grasp. I get it. But what is it that I want?

There are things in my life that give me tremendous joy. Singing gives me an amazing amount of joy. I always dreamed of writing songs and singing them from a truly personal place within. Sharing a piece of my soul in a way which comes closest to the feelings that they resonate within me. Is that the path I wish to take? Is that who I want to be?

Then there is make-up. It seems simplistic, but make-up brings such joy to me. I loving trying new products, I love painting faces, allowing for people to feel truly beautiful. I love wearing make-up, the feeling it provides to me. Do I want to create my own make-up? Do I want to become a make-up artist? Are either of these things the paths I wish to choose?

There is fashion. I love clothes, I love the way fabric feels on the skin. The way the right cut of a dress can change the way you move your body. How it can change the way you hold your head, the way you talk. Clothes can make you feel confident, smart, sexy. It's a physical way of expressing your inner truth. You can be whoever you want to be. Whenever a desires to be something else than what they see themselves as being, they first change the clothes. I like that. I dig it. Especially the thought of creating my own maternity line. Whenever I was pregnant, i felt depressed because my body was changing and miraculous things things were happening within me, and I couldn't find maternity clothes that expressed what I felt or needed to feel like. I was stuck wearing pastels and flower prints (which anyone who has spent enough time around me knows...those things aren't who I am). I always wished that I could make clothes that would empower women through their amazing experience. Is that the woman I want to be? Maybe.

This is what I know... I like making things pretty. I like it when I can evoke emotion from people. Make them experience something amazing within them. I need for myself to experience beauty.. both within me and in everything round me. I want others to experience the same beauty. I will do something that touches many souls in a beautiful and positive way. I just know know yet what that is . Perhaps you can shed some light on how I can find out what it is.

Sixth Grade Theology

When I was in the 6th grade, I can remember sitting in the basketball courts of Greenwood Lakes Middle School during recess and sharing opinions on the worlds problems with a few of my dear friends. We would talk about politics (although all we really knew was whatever our parents told us on the matter), world hunger (when we don't finish our meals at the restaurant, does it really have an effect on the children in Africa who have no food?) and of course theology.

The theology discussion was always the most interesting because our views were so different. We were only twelve years old and yet we had different elaborate theories on what our life's purpose was and our views of the afterlife. I remember my friends saying that the purpose in life was to love. Pure, simple, undeniable. We loved it. I remember hearing that it was to help others and those yet to come. Again.. beautiful, caring, loved it. I remember on the day I shared, I really didn't have an answer to our lives purpose, but I had a viewpoint. I told our group that despite everything I learned and had been told, that I did not believe in hell as being an afterlife. I believed that the life and the world that we were living in was in essence hell and that our purpose was to fight through, keep our faith, and find our way back to God. If we failed to do so by our life's end, we were forced to come back and try again. If we messed up and ended up ax murders or something, we were forced to come back again and again until we got it right. Then we would leave this place and go to heaven. I remember it was the first time this view had ever occurred to most of them, but they were accepting of it. Ahh to be a kid again.
Now I know, or believe, that there are several details of my theory that I don't agree with today. For instance, the belief that we have to somehow prove ourselves to God in order to be rewarded. I believe that THAT pressure to please came from man and not God. I do not believe that God sets out to punish the behavior that he in essence allows us to act upon. But the part about the life we are experiencing to be the closest thing to hell that we experience. That part I believe I had right. Our disconnection from our true selves. Our inability to see or experience God in our day to day. Our misinterpretation of the ideas of the brain and the words of other men as being our truths rather than the eternal truth within. All of that is hell. We experiencing the opposite of what is true constantly. And that experience. The agony of the experience, the pain.. THAT is hell.
What's funny is that as I got older, I brushed my theories under the table and began to mock them in a sense. I was evolving and learning "the truth" about everything, when in fact, all I was doing was moving farther away from the truth. We know more truth when we are babies, toddlers, elementary school kids than we do as adults. All the education we receive to thrive in this world most often does not help our souls thrive.
It made me ask myself as I went to yell at my 8 year old about his recent math grades. Is this really important. Sure this society holds it as being important, but is it really something important to our life experience? Is part of the reason my son is here is to get A's in math? I don't think so. He has a divine calling which has little to nothing to do with his math grade. So instead of yelling at him, I hugged him and ask if he did his best. he told me he did, and I told him that THAT was all that mattered. I loved him, God loves him, and he is perfect.
Of course he made a complete mess of his room and I screamed and yelled at him for that.
What?? I told you I am not perfect. I am still learning. And I got a lot more to do.

My Friend in Need

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Trying to educate myself to things that I don't understand. Some days the things I learn alter my reality is such a huge way. Other times, nothing much changes. Today, I read something that set off a memory of an amazing experience I had during a very difficult time in my life. I thought that perhaps tonight was the night to share my experience.

About 10 years ago, while in college, I went through a very difficult time. I lost several people who were very close to me in a very short span of time. I found it hard to deal with all the pain that their deaths left me with. I felt emotionally numb. I ceased caring about anything. I would space out and lose track of time. I would find myself across town not knowing how I got there or what I had done in the hours prior to me "waking up". Inside I was reeling, but on the outside it looked as if there was nothing wrong. Little did I know that what I was experiencing then was only the beginning. Following the experience I am about to share, I experienced the loss of 4 other people. People who had touched me in a very deep way. Had it not been for what had happened to me, I might not have gotten through it. This is why I am so grateful.

I crawled into my bed one night and wrestled with my thoughts. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking of, but I know that I tossed and turned for a long period of time before I drifted off to sleep. When sleep finally came to me, what I experienced was something quite different from any dream I had ever had before. I was outside on a patio walking toward an amazingly beautiful church. It was so bright outside. This bright white light. The building was this bright cream stucco color. I remember looking around and seeing trees that were the most amazing shade of green and hearing birds singing the most beautiful song. Everything was so beautiful.. so peaceful.. It was amazing. There were many people there. We were all walking inside the church. There was a priest standing outside holding the door open for everyone. He was dressed in all black with the white cleric collar showing at the center top of his black collared shirt. As I approached the door he said, "Welcome. Catholics to the left, all other denominations to the right" I looked inside the church. It was so ornate, so regal. The church was decorated in these rich shades of green, burgundy, and gold. I felt like I was in a palace of sorts. I looked to the left and saw that all the seats were filled and that there were crowds of people standing up in the back. I looked to the right and saw a few empty rows of seats.

"I am Catholic, but that section is full so..", I told the priest at the door.

"That's okay, it doesn't matter what side you sit on." he replied

"You know, that's okay. I think I am just gonna sit outside and wait for my friends to get out. Church isn't really my thing anyway."

I noticed a picnic bench at the corner end of the patio by a refreshments table. I made my way over to it and had a seat. The priest closed the doors to the church and made his way over to the table. He poured himself a cup of coffee and put a doughnut on a plate. He then made his way over to the table. He placed the plate in front of me, and sat down.

"I'm with you", he said, "I'd rather have free coffee and doughnuts any day." He then looked me in the eyes and asked, "So what's your story anyway?"

For some reason I was unaware of, I began to tell him my entire life story. Every trial I had ever been through, every disappointed experience.. i put EVERYTHING out there. When I was finally done, I looked up to a very empathic face.

"Wow! That's tough. It couldn't have been easy for you."

"No, it wasn't"

"But you know, it's all going to be okay don't you?"

"Yeah."

"No. You are not listening to me. You are going to be okay."

I looked up into his eyes as he then said, "Do you know who I am?"

Immediately my mind started churning. He asked if I knew who he was, that meant that I should know him. I went through every name and face in my memory and came up with nothing. I had no idea who this man was. But my mouth opened and said....

"Yes, you are God. You can come in any form you want."

"Or any form you give me. And you made me a priest? Now that's just funny." He got up off of the bench and said, "Remember.. Everything is going to be alright." I watched him walk away when the bright light of the sun blinded me and I opened my eyes.

I was still. I was at peace. I had merely just opened my eyes. Immediately I recognized that I didn't "wake up" like I normally do from sleep. It was if I was already awake. All I did was open my eyes. I felt this energy resonate within my body. I felt amazing. I felt complete. I began questioning whether what I had just experienced actually happened. It had. I had talked to God. God came to me and chatted over coffee and doughnuts. He was funny and understanding. He was so cool. He ditched church with me! He said that denominations didn't matter. How amazing was that?

I shared my story with a few others who simply dismissed it as a dream, even though they feigned excitement for me. "Wow.. that's really amazing. Ha.. talked to God...." That kinda thing. But you can tell when someone doesn't believe you. I believed though. I believed.

What I just realized while typing this out was the story of how I allowed Christ back into my life. My mother got a flyer in the mail for a new church starting up and they were advertising free Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Starbucks coffee. My mom said, "let's go. If it sucks, at least we'll get a good breakfast out of it." That's what brought me to church. To rededicating my life to God. Free coffee and doughnuts. The same breakfast I shared with God. :)

Through The Ink

The power of the written word. Now mind you, words themselves are so limiting. Symbols, sounds that were created out of thin air used to describe the things that we feel, the things that we see, the things that we do. But don't you find that no matter how many words you use to express whatever it is you are trying to convey...it just doesn't cut it? It still manages to fall short. And often we sigh in frustration wondering if whoever it is we are trying to talk to would ever understand.
But then, there are times when just a few simple words can send a flood of images and emotions through us. There are times when a few simple words can hold more content than a novel or a textbook. But I ask, is it the words themselves that turn this magic light switch within us, or is it our openness to the thoughts. Our willingness to receive the words.
Have you ever noticed how you can sit across someone and not utter a sound, but yet somehow you can feel this wave of emotion pass through you from that person? You can experience the breaking of their heart, the disappointment in themselves, their desperate cries out to God.

I am an actress. Or at least I like to think that somewhere within me that persons still lies awake. I have not acted in quite some time, but I grew up in the theatre. That is to say, I first experienced pieces of who I really was while participating in the theatrical arts. My passion was in musical theatre. As far fetched as some might find this statement to be, I found that musical theatre was the art form that best portrayed what life was really like. How when amazing things happen to you that you have waited and yearned so long for actually unfold before you, it send such an amazing feeling through your soul and body that it felt like your spirit was singing and dancing. Rejoicing in the moment. During the times when everything seemed to crumble of fall apart, the pain and confusion you experience within can only expressed through a soulful ballad. A mourning cry of sorts. Whenever I stepped on to a stage and sang a song or performed a dance, I experienced a piece of my characters truth. And it was amazing.

I went to FSU and studied acting. Did not make it into the highly competitive musical theatre program. It was a great disappointment to me, because i felt that with the proper instruction I could have soared, but I wasn't at the starting place where they needed me to be. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise though. I was therefore left to focus on acting. During my time there, I had the most amazing teacher by the name of Michael Richey. He was one of the greatest teachers I have ever known. He taught me not so much about acting...but about people. About me. He taught me to discover my inner truth. What would I do in this situation? What would I say if someone spoke those words to me? Am I being truthful to myself in these answers, or are you projecting this idyllic perception of yourself. These were tough questions to answer. But having to answer them showed me a glimpse of the person I was. It made me question what led me to become that person. Because the person I wanted to be is also within me, but why isn't that person coming out?
What I realized was that the experiences of the world along with my mind had casted myself to play a part that was not true to who I was. And what I needed to do was slowly shed the makeup, take off the costumes, find myself. Through that recognition, we can find the common thread that is within us all, and then ..THEN we can truly be great actors.
Recently I began reading Deepak Chopra, "Life After Death". What he revealed through the first chapter of this book was that there are different planes of existence. And each plane operates on a different frequency. Our souls emit vibrations of sort that are within the frequency of this life we are experiencing. The reasons why we form stronger bonds with some people and not others is because they are operating at the same vibration that we are. When we drift apart or grow apart, it is because somewhere the vibration shifted and no longer matches our own.
Perhaps I lost you momentarily. But this is what that statement said to me. We emit vibrations that are read by other souls and their vibrations. It's like unspoken text messages to each other. And we in essence have the power to alter that vibration if we so chose. We can change and tune ourselves to be whoever we want to be. We have that power and capability. In the same essence, we have the ability to selectively tune ourselves into the vibrations of another in order to experience whatever it is they are going through. We have the ability to empathize. Maybe that's whats happening when we look into the eyes of one who is in pain and can feel their cries resonate within? We are experiencing or feeling their vibrations. That's what it means to look through the eyes of someone else. That's what it means to experience love at first sight. We are constantly sensing the vibrations of others. We are experiencing their truths without words.
Is it possible to experience these vibrations through the written word? I think it is. You just have to tune into the vibration of the author. I believe that words can hold an invisible stamp of the authors vibration. And it is only when we tune into that vibration, that the we are able to say.."a-ha" and experience that same feeling and process that the author itself is trying to relay. All art forms carry the same stamp. Let's make an effort to feel their vibration. Ahhh...That's some Good Vibrations right there! :)

The Here and Now

This is me. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a Christian. I am a worship leader at a church ...which might seem a bit hypocritical seeing that I lead a less than perfect life. I try my best to do the things I know which are right, but still manage to let anger, jealousy, and my propensity for explicit language to take hold of my day to day life. I sometimes have bouts of road rage ( I am sure my husband is laughing somewhere at that statement), but i believe them only to be occasional. I do my best to give my kids the best life they could have, but at the end of the day feel like I have fallen so short of the mark. I resent that my body didn't magically spring back to way it was pre-pregnancy the way everyone I see on television AND at story time seems to have. I spend my time planning and wishing for the next moment instead of taking joy in the moment that I am living right now. I guess I am like everyone else.

Then there was a shift.

I cannot tell you what provoked the shift. It probably was a myriad of things all lining up to lead me to this place. Preparing me to be open to the experience that was to be revealed to me. But as my dear friend once told me. The dark times that we go through are a sign that something truly amazing is about to happen. And it did.

We all have stories of our troubled pasts. We've all had our own journeys. My journey often led me to psychiatrists offices and anti-anxiety medications. Sure, I am a Christian and I pray often and put my trust in God to help me through my troubles. But fear is a powerful thing and can often drown out everything that we need to hear or remember. My biggest fear has always been on my mortality. I mean, who doesn't have this fear in some degree. It's the one thing that we can never change. The one thing we recognize that we have no control over. I have worked through this fear many times over the years, and it hasn't bothered me in quite some time. But last month.. it came back with a vengeance.

As all good Christians are supposed to do, I picked up my Bible with every anxiety attack, and searched its pages for comfort. And I realized that there is very little written in the Bible about death.. the experience itself. And that's what I needed to know about. That's what I needed to hear. And with every page I turned. I began to get discouraged. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I ceased to enjoy my life. And what I wanted so desperately was for all of this to stop. So the bible couldn't provide me with the things I needed to hear. Nor could the dead because... well... its very hard to have a conversation with someone who isn't here. So i thought to myself..what was the next best thing? People who have had near death experiences.

I began reading on the Internet, and checking out books in the library about near death experiences. And although every experience differed in some way.. there were two things that were extremely evident. There is absolutely 100% an afterlife, and dying is nothing to be afraid of. It is actually one of the most amazing experiences you could ever have. Learning this, provided so much comfort to me, that i began experiencing joy in my life again. I woke up with a smile and was able to quickly quell any remnants of the fear in my mind. I felt guilty at first, like i had betrayed God in someway but finding the answers I needed outside of the Bible. But at the same time, I felt that God led me to the answers i needed. It was strange.

Now what came after, also made me feel guilty, but i began looking at life differently. There is definitely an afterlife, so isn't possible that I have been here before? Isn't it possible that I have lived many experiences before? If the soul is indeed eternal, and life continues after this one, do i really believe that I was just created 30 years ago? I don't feel that new. Even as a child, there was a maturity to myself. I had wisdom. I recognized it. So isn't it possible that I came from somewhere else before I came here?

To contemplate such things amongst the Christian community is bound to give you looks. I guess a good Christian believes we should not question anything. But why not? Don't you think God wants to constantly reveal things to us? How can he do so if we do not allow him the opportunity?

What came to follow was a shift in perception for me which I am still discovering each and everyday. A belief that we are in fact all from the same source. A belief that we are hear to experience who we truly are. A challenge of sorts that in the midst of all this chaos, we can remember and discern the soul from all the rest. How I came to THIS belief is a story for later time.