My Blog Picture

I was searching for a picture for my blog, something that portrayed what my blog was all about. But then, I found this picture. In this picture I saw me. In a way that I could not put into words, or even begin to explain, this picture spoke the truth of me more loudly than i ever could. It was fated to be my blog picture, to stand in my place as I revealed all my secrets. Despite whether they are understood or not.



To say that I don't understand myself, is an understatement. I know myself very well. I know how I will react to things, how to best approach me, what words will win me over, how to hurt me the fastest. If I were a text book, I would ace whatever course i was there to represent. However, to truly understand why I am the way I am, is a mystery that slowly unveils itself each and everyday.



Everyone has a safe place. A place where they feel they can relax and be who they are. Where its okay to be scared, or happy, or guilty etc. My safe place is my therapists office. Cliche I know, but its true. There is something about being in an office of a woman who I trust, who I know generally cares about me, and who would never judge me... is so amazing and comforting. No matter what I am thinking or what I have done in the past, I am safe there.



I have been to many therapists and psychiatists in my life. They have been great and all, but I never trusted one as much as the one I have right now. So I am able to open up to her in ways that I never would with anyone else.



SO where is this all going?



Yesterday I had the most intense and emotionally therapy session I ever had, and as a result I am left numb in a sense. While I won't get into the details, I will share that my first relationship I ever had was abusive. Even though I had always known that, I would never admit to myself how serious it was. I always played it off as if it was no big thing. But it was. There in my therapists office, as I weeped uncontrollably, she confirmed to me that I was in fact raped a multitude of times. She confirmed that I am a victim of many other serious sexual assaults as well and it was time that I realized that and accepted it.

Anyone who knows me, especially from my past knows I have always been a vampy sort of girl. No matter what I wore, trashy or demure, I had the tendency to ooze sexuality. I like this about myself. Its something that I am quite fond of. But I never understood how I became that way. It was always a game to me. I put on a show for everyone, showed them what I felt they wanted to see, or played to whatever label they gave me. Usually it was of the minx variety and I was okay with that. I sort of owned that role. I play it real well. But on the inside I was always laughing and crying. Because i knew i was not this person. There was so much more there. But no one wanted to see it. So it was in essence my little secret. My secret identity. Which brings me back to the picture. A woman naked in a corset, covering herself up. Her reflection doesn't quite fit the picture she is portraying. Just as the real me on the inside, doesn't quite make sense to the picture I showed the world. Each day as I grow wiser, I realize why theatre was so important to me. I needed to be playing a part. I had to hide behind something in order to have control. Because circumstances in my past ripped control away from me. And I was not going to live my life being a victim. I was going to do things on my own terms.

I started this entry because i felt a need to finally talk about what happened to me. What I have endured from not one, but several people at different stages of my life. But I now realize that I am not ready to go there just yet. So I am gonna end it right here. Getting this much out has been huge for me. A big step. I dont have many readers so its a safe place for me. I just hope that the loved ones I have that do read this can give me the support I need. I know they will :)