The Reminder

I felt my soul today, and she was perfect. She was warm and emitted an red and amber like glow. She brushed my hair away from my forehead and kissed my eyelids. She told me she loved me. And I loved her. She was perfect.

I felt her presence within me like a warm hug. She wrapped herself around me and held me tight. Not too tight. The perfect amount. She was perfect. She told me I was beautiful. She told me I possessed so much talent. She told me that my family, my creator, and all my kindred spirits were so proud of me. She was perfect.

She was excited about all the great things I am to do. She was encouraging in all the opportunities placed before me. She told me that it didn't matter which route that I took, that eventually all of them will be actualized. She said that in the end, none of it is important....but I am important. I am so very important.

She told me that the eyes on my body couldn't see me. That they weren't made to filter the amazing light that emanates from me. Just like they can't stare at sun even though its thousands and thousands of miles away from us. But she could see me. She could see all of me, and what she saw was perfect.

She told me that my body resonated love and beauty. She told me that I inspire others. She told me that I am needed in such a huge way. A way I could never comprehend here on Earth. She told me that I was some one's best friend. That I was some one's greatest love. I was some one's hero. Everything she said, was exactly what I needed to hear. She was perfect.

She told me that she was me. The me that will live for eternity. The only me I would ever have.

I am Perfect.

What Will I Create?

It seems like it would be such a simple thing to answer, but its one of the hardest questions I ever had to ask myself. What will I create?

As I am learning throughout my spiritual journey, I am a creator. It is within my power to create the life I have always dreamed of. It is within my power to be whoever I want to be, experience whatever I want to experience, do whatever I want to do. I have learned that the key to my success is in my passion. If it is something I really want, and truly love doing, it will bring the maximum satisfaction to my life. Everything I desire or need is within my grasp. I get it. But what is it that I want?

There are things in my life that give me tremendous joy. Singing gives me an amazing amount of joy. I always dreamed of writing songs and singing them from a truly personal place within. Sharing a piece of my soul in a way which comes closest to the feelings that they resonate within me. Is that the path I wish to take? Is that who I want to be?

Then there is make-up. It seems simplistic, but make-up brings such joy to me. I loving trying new products, I love painting faces, allowing for people to feel truly beautiful. I love wearing make-up, the feeling it provides to me. Do I want to create my own make-up? Do I want to become a make-up artist? Are either of these things the paths I wish to choose?

There is fashion. I love clothes, I love the way fabric feels on the skin. The way the right cut of a dress can change the way you move your body. How it can change the way you hold your head, the way you talk. Clothes can make you feel confident, smart, sexy. It's a physical way of expressing your inner truth. You can be whoever you want to be. Whenever a desires to be something else than what they see themselves as being, they first change the clothes. I like that. I dig it. Especially the thought of creating my own maternity line. Whenever I was pregnant, i felt depressed because my body was changing and miraculous things things were happening within me, and I couldn't find maternity clothes that expressed what I felt or needed to feel like. I was stuck wearing pastels and flower prints (which anyone who has spent enough time around me knows...those things aren't who I am). I always wished that I could make clothes that would empower women through their amazing experience. Is that the woman I want to be? Maybe.

This is what I know... I like making things pretty. I like it when I can evoke emotion from people. Make them experience something amazing within them. I need for myself to experience beauty.. both within me and in everything round me. I want others to experience the same beauty. I will do something that touches many souls in a beautiful and positive way. I just know know yet what that is . Perhaps you can shed some light on how I can find out what it is.

Sixth Grade Theology

When I was in the 6th grade, I can remember sitting in the basketball courts of Greenwood Lakes Middle School during recess and sharing opinions on the worlds problems with a few of my dear friends. We would talk about politics (although all we really knew was whatever our parents told us on the matter), world hunger (when we don't finish our meals at the restaurant, does it really have an effect on the children in Africa who have no food?) and of course theology.

The theology discussion was always the most interesting because our views were so different. We were only twelve years old and yet we had different elaborate theories on what our life's purpose was and our views of the afterlife. I remember my friends saying that the purpose in life was to love. Pure, simple, undeniable. We loved it. I remember hearing that it was to help others and those yet to come. Again.. beautiful, caring, loved it. I remember on the day I shared, I really didn't have an answer to our lives purpose, but I had a viewpoint. I told our group that despite everything I learned and had been told, that I did not believe in hell as being an afterlife. I believed that the life and the world that we were living in was in essence hell and that our purpose was to fight through, keep our faith, and find our way back to God. If we failed to do so by our life's end, we were forced to come back and try again. If we messed up and ended up ax murders or something, we were forced to come back again and again until we got it right. Then we would leave this place and go to heaven. I remember it was the first time this view had ever occurred to most of them, but they were accepting of it. Ahh to be a kid again.
Now I know, or believe, that there are several details of my theory that I don't agree with today. For instance, the belief that we have to somehow prove ourselves to God in order to be rewarded. I believe that THAT pressure to please came from man and not God. I do not believe that God sets out to punish the behavior that he in essence allows us to act upon. But the part about the life we are experiencing to be the closest thing to hell that we experience. That part I believe I had right. Our disconnection from our true selves. Our inability to see or experience God in our day to day. Our misinterpretation of the ideas of the brain and the words of other men as being our truths rather than the eternal truth within. All of that is hell. We experiencing the opposite of what is true constantly. And that experience. The agony of the experience, the pain.. THAT is hell.
What's funny is that as I got older, I brushed my theories under the table and began to mock them in a sense. I was evolving and learning "the truth" about everything, when in fact, all I was doing was moving farther away from the truth. We know more truth when we are babies, toddlers, elementary school kids than we do as adults. All the education we receive to thrive in this world most often does not help our souls thrive.
It made me ask myself as I went to yell at my 8 year old about his recent math grades. Is this really important. Sure this society holds it as being important, but is it really something important to our life experience? Is part of the reason my son is here is to get A's in math? I don't think so. He has a divine calling which has little to nothing to do with his math grade. So instead of yelling at him, I hugged him and ask if he did his best. he told me he did, and I told him that THAT was all that mattered. I loved him, God loves him, and he is perfect.
Of course he made a complete mess of his room and I screamed and yelled at him for that.
What?? I told you I am not perfect. I am still learning. And I got a lot more to do.

My Friend in Need

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Trying to educate myself to things that I don't understand. Some days the things I learn alter my reality is such a huge way. Other times, nothing much changes. Today, I read something that set off a memory of an amazing experience I had during a very difficult time in my life. I thought that perhaps tonight was the night to share my experience.

About 10 years ago, while in college, I went through a very difficult time. I lost several people who were very close to me in a very short span of time. I found it hard to deal with all the pain that their deaths left me with. I felt emotionally numb. I ceased caring about anything. I would space out and lose track of time. I would find myself across town not knowing how I got there or what I had done in the hours prior to me "waking up". Inside I was reeling, but on the outside it looked as if there was nothing wrong. Little did I know that what I was experiencing then was only the beginning. Following the experience I am about to share, I experienced the loss of 4 other people. People who had touched me in a very deep way. Had it not been for what had happened to me, I might not have gotten through it. This is why I am so grateful.

I crawled into my bed one night and wrestled with my thoughts. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking of, but I know that I tossed and turned for a long period of time before I drifted off to sleep. When sleep finally came to me, what I experienced was something quite different from any dream I had ever had before. I was outside on a patio walking toward an amazingly beautiful church. It was so bright outside. This bright white light. The building was this bright cream stucco color. I remember looking around and seeing trees that were the most amazing shade of green and hearing birds singing the most beautiful song. Everything was so beautiful.. so peaceful.. It was amazing. There were many people there. We were all walking inside the church. There was a priest standing outside holding the door open for everyone. He was dressed in all black with the white cleric collar showing at the center top of his black collared shirt. As I approached the door he said, "Welcome. Catholics to the left, all other denominations to the right" I looked inside the church. It was so ornate, so regal. The church was decorated in these rich shades of green, burgundy, and gold. I felt like I was in a palace of sorts. I looked to the left and saw that all the seats were filled and that there were crowds of people standing up in the back. I looked to the right and saw a few empty rows of seats.

"I am Catholic, but that section is full so..", I told the priest at the door.

"That's okay, it doesn't matter what side you sit on." he replied

"You know, that's okay. I think I am just gonna sit outside and wait for my friends to get out. Church isn't really my thing anyway."

I noticed a picnic bench at the corner end of the patio by a refreshments table. I made my way over to it and had a seat. The priest closed the doors to the church and made his way over to the table. He poured himself a cup of coffee and put a doughnut on a plate. He then made his way over to the table. He placed the plate in front of me, and sat down.

"I'm with you", he said, "I'd rather have free coffee and doughnuts any day." He then looked me in the eyes and asked, "So what's your story anyway?"

For some reason I was unaware of, I began to tell him my entire life story. Every trial I had ever been through, every disappointed experience.. i put EVERYTHING out there. When I was finally done, I looked up to a very empathic face.

"Wow! That's tough. It couldn't have been easy for you."

"No, it wasn't"

"But you know, it's all going to be okay don't you?"

"Yeah."

"No. You are not listening to me. You are going to be okay."

I looked up into his eyes as he then said, "Do you know who I am?"

Immediately my mind started churning. He asked if I knew who he was, that meant that I should know him. I went through every name and face in my memory and came up with nothing. I had no idea who this man was. But my mouth opened and said....

"Yes, you are God. You can come in any form you want."

"Or any form you give me. And you made me a priest? Now that's just funny." He got up off of the bench and said, "Remember.. Everything is going to be alright." I watched him walk away when the bright light of the sun blinded me and I opened my eyes.

I was still. I was at peace. I had merely just opened my eyes. Immediately I recognized that I didn't "wake up" like I normally do from sleep. It was if I was already awake. All I did was open my eyes. I felt this energy resonate within my body. I felt amazing. I felt complete. I began questioning whether what I had just experienced actually happened. It had. I had talked to God. God came to me and chatted over coffee and doughnuts. He was funny and understanding. He was so cool. He ditched church with me! He said that denominations didn't matter. How amazing was that?

I shared my story with a few others who simply dismissed it as a dream, even though they feigned excitement for me. "Wow.. that's really amazing. Ha.. talked to God...." That kinda thing. But you can tell when someone doesn't believe you. I believed though. I believed.

What I just realized while typing this out was the story of how I allowed Christ back into my life. My mother got a flyer in the mail for a new church starting up and they were advertising free Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Starbucks coffee. My mom said, "let's go. If it sucks, at least we'll get a good breakfast out of it." That's what brought me to church. To rededicating my life to God. Free coffee and doughnuts. The same breakfast I shared with God. :)

Through The Ink

The power of the written word. Now mind you, words themselves are so limiting. Symbols, sounds that were created out of thin air used to describe the things that we feel, the things that we see, the things that we do. But don't you find that no matter how many words you use to express whatever it is you are trying to convey...it just doesn't cut it? It still manages to fall short. And often we sigh in frustration wondering if whoever it is we are trying to talk to would ever understand.
But then, there are times when just a few simple words can send a flood of images and emotions through us. There are times when a few simple words can hold more content than a novel or a textbook. But I ask, is it the words themselves that turn this magic light switch within us, or is it our openness to the thoughts. Our willingness to receive the words.
Have you ever noticed how you can sit across someone and not utter a sound, but yet somehow you can feel this wave of emotion pass through you from that person? You can experience the breaking of their heart, the disappointment in themselves, their desperate cries out to God.

I am an actress. Or at least I like to think that somewhere within me that persons still lies awake. I have not acted in quite some time, but I grew up in the theatre. That is to say, I first experienced pieces of who I really was while participating in the theatrical arts. My passion was in musical theatre. As far fetched as some might find this statement to be, I found that musical theatre was the art form that best portrayed what life was really like. How when amazing things happen to you that you have waited and yearned so long for actually unfold before you, it send such an amazing feeling through your soul and body that it felt like your spirit was singing and dancing. Rejoicing in the moment. During the times when everything seemed to crumble of fall apart, the pain and confusion you experience within can only expressed through a soulful ballad. A mourning cry of sorts. Whenever I stepped on to a stage and sang a song or performed a dance, I experienced a piece of my characters truth. And it was amazing.

I went to FSU and studied acting. Did not make it into the highly competitive musical theatre program. It was a great disappointment to me, because i felt that with the proper instruction I could have soared, but I wasn't at the starting place where they needed me to be. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise though. I was therefore left to focus on acting. During my time there, I had the most amazing teacher by the name of Michael Richey. He was one of the greatest teachers I have ever known. He taught me not so much about acting...but about people. About me. He taught me to discover my inner truth. What would I do in this situation? What would I say if someone spoke those words to me? Am I being truthful to myself in these answers, or are you projecting this idyllic perception of yourself. These were tough questions to answer. But having to answer them showed me a glimpse of the person I was. It made me question what led me to become that person. Because the person I wanted to be is also within me, but why isn't that person coming out?
What I realized was that the experiences of the world along with my mind had casted myself to play a part that was not true to who I was. And what I needed to do was slowly shed the makeup, take off the costumes, find myself. Through that recognition, we can find the common thread that is within us all, and then ..THEN we can truly be great actors.
Recently I began reading Deepak Chopra, "Life After Death". What he revealed through the first chapter of this book was that there are different planes of existence. And each plane operates on a different frequency. Our souls emit vibrations of sort that are within the frequency of this life we are experiencing. The reasons why we form stronger bonds with some people and not others is because they are operating at the same vibration that we are. When we drift apart or grow apart, it is because somewhere the vibration shifted and no longer matches our own.
Perhaps I lost you momentarily. But this is what that statement said to me. We emit vibrations that are read by other souls and their vibrations. It's like unspoken text messages to each other. And we in essence have the power to alter that vibration if we so chose. We can change and tune ourselves to be whoever we want to be. We have that power and capability. In the same essence, we have the ability to selectively tune ourselves into the vibrations of another in order to experience whatever it is they are going through. We have the ability to empathize. Maybe that's whats happening when we look into the eyes of one who is in pain and can feel their cries resonate within? We are experiencing or feeling their vibrations. That's what it means to look through the eyes of someone else. That's what it means to experience love at first sight. We are constantly sensing the vibrations of others. We are experiencing their truths without words.
Is it possible to experience these vibrations through the written word? I think it is. You just have to tune into the vibration of the author. I believe that words can hold an invisible stamp of the authors vibration. And it is only when we tune into that vibration, that the we are able to say.."a-ha" and experience that same feeling and process that the author itself is trying to relay. All art forms carry the same stamp. Let's make an effort to feel their vibration. Ahhh...That's some Good Vibrations right there! :)

The Here and Now

This is me. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a Christian. I am a worship leader at a church ...which might seem a bit hypocritical seeing that I lead a less than perfect life. I try my best to do the things I know which are right, but still manage to let anger, jealousy, and my propensity for explicit language to take hold of my day to day life. I sometimes have bouts of road rage ( I am sure my husband is laughing somewhere at that statement), but i believe them only to be occasional. I do my best to give my kids the best life they could have, but at the end of the day feel like I have fallen so short of the mark. I resent that my body didn't magically spring back to way it was pre-pregnancy the way everyone I see on television AND at story time seems to have. I spend my time planning and wishing for the next moment instead of taking joy in the moment that I am living right now. I guess I am like everyone else.

Then there was a shift.

I cannot tell you what provoked the shift. It probably was a myriad of things all lining up to lead me to this place. Preparing me to be open to the experience that was to be revealed to me. But as my dear friend once told me. The dark times that we go through are a sign that something truly amazing is about to happen. And it did.

We all have stories of our troubled pasts. We've all had our own journeys. My journey often led me to psychiatrists offices and anti-anxiety medications. Sure, I am a Christian and I pray often and put my trust in God to help me through my troubles. But fear is a powerful thing and can often drown out everything that we need to hear or remember. My biggest fear has always been on my mortality. I mean, who doesn't have this fear in some degree. It's the one thing that we can never change. The one thing we recognize that we have no control over. I have worked through this fear many times over the years, and it hasn't bothered me in quite some time. But last month.. it came back with a vengeance.

As all good Christians are supposed to do, I picked up my Bible with every anxiety attack, and searched its pages for comfort. And I realized that there is very little written in the Bible about death.. the experience itself. And that's what I needed to know about. That's what I needed to hear. And with every page I turned. I began to get discouraged. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I ceased to enjoy my life. And what I wanted so desperately was for all of this to stop. So the bible couldn't provide me with the things I needed to hear. Nor could the dead because... well... its very hard to have a conversation with someone who isn't here. So i thought to myself..what was the next best thing? People who have had near death experiences.

I began reading on the Internet, and checking out books in the library about near death experiences. And although every experience differed in some way.. there were two things that were extremely evident. There is absolutely 100% an afterlife, and dying is nothing to be afraid of. It is actually one of the most amazing experiences you could ever have. Learning this, provided so much comfort to me, that i began experiencing joy in my life again. I woke up with a smile and was able to quickly quell any remnants of the fear in my mind. I felt guilty at first, like i had betrayed God in someway but finding the answers I needed outside of the Bible. But at the same time, I felt that God led me to the answers i needed. It was strange.

Now what came after, also made me feel guilty, but i began looking at life differently. There is definitely an afterlife, so isn't possible that I have been here before? Isn't it possible that I have lived many experiences before? If the soul is indeed eternal, and life continues after this one, do i really believe that I was just created 30 years ago? I don't feel that new. Even as a child, there was a maturity to myself. I had wisdom. I recognized it. So isn't it possible that I came from somewhere else before I came here?

To contemplate such things amongst the Christian community is bound to give you looks. I guess a good Christian believes we should not question anything. But why not? Don't you think God wants to constantly reveal things to us? How can he do so if we do not allow him the opportunity?

What came to follow was a shift in perception for me which I am still discovering each and everyday. A belief that we are in fact all from the same source. A belief that we are hear to experience who we truly are. A challenge of sorts that in the midst of all this chaos, we can remember and discern the soul from all the rest. How I came to THIS belief is a story for later time.