Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Reflections

I think about all the ways you saved me
All the million of little ways you rescued me from my life
You were unexpected, but needed so desperately
You were my reason for living

When I first held you, I thought my body would explode
Never could i have imagined such a love could ever exsist
I felt my body burst with light, with love, with completion
You were there...right there upon my chest
my little savior, my everything.

They say I almost died, but it didn't matter
I would risk my life again and again for you
You are worth everything I could ever give and more
My precious precious angel

I've watched you grow and am so proud of the little man you have become
Always running to my arms
Always needing my love
We've been through so much together
I have put you through so much
I am so sorry for that
Sorry you've had to meander down my paths
waiting for me to get things right
You were such a trooper
I am so proud of you

Now you are older
And even though i yell, and you often are mad or hurt by me
You still come running to my arms
Telling me that you will protect me
Cause you are my little man

I will never forget the Christmas
where you saved money to buy me a present all by yourself
It was the greatest present i ever received
A small heart shaped metal ring
"When a boy loves a girl more than anything in this world
he buys her a ring. Here is your ring mommy, cause i love you
more than anything in this world."

You have brought me more joy than I have ever imagined
You have taught me more about love and life than I could have ever learned on my own
And even though I fall so short everyday, you love me
And forgive me for all the mistakes i make

So Tristan...my angel, my everything
Thank you for giving me the most amazing life I could ever have
Thank you for every lesson you ever taught me
For making me so proud everyday
For having the biggest heart
And for never being embarassed to hug and kiss your mommy no matter how many of your friends are watching
i love you

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Things I've Been Doing Wrong

One of the highlights of my week is going to therapy.

It's important for us to indulge ourselves every so often. Do do the things that make us happy. Invest the time in allowing ourselves to feel good. Some people have pedicures, some people have a form of art they practice, some run, I go to therapy.

I know many people don't understand this, but its the absolute best thing I could give myself. It's a big shiny present all wrapped up for me. It is my therapists little office, that I realize my truths. That I appreciate the power of my mind, that i slowly can remove the layers of bull shit i have dressed myself in over the years.

The great thing about me going to therapy now, is that there is no crisis in my life. There isn't something that is driving me to the breaking point. There isn't anything major going on. I have managed to learn enough through my previous therapy experiences how to overcome all that. I am grateful. Now, I look at the smaller stuff. The things I tend to brush over, but in fact catalyze so much in my life. That's what I talk about. It feels so good. I feel that I reach deeper and deeper into a state of peace. It's a wonderful thing.

So we have been doing something called EFT. I tap places on my body, while admitting truths about myself and affirmations. At first I felt kinda dumb, but as I did it, this immense clarity came to my thinking, I began to lift the veil off of things and realize the root problem. And as most people know, the root of my problem is me and my mental attitude. I process left me calm and relaxed. It felt wonderful and opened up new realms of truth within me. I find that I am treating my children with more understanding and showing more patience. What a blessing.

I have been doing more and more reading lately. It was brought to my attention that I (as well as society) have been going about teaching children the wrong way. Our facts are one sided. We tell them to do things, without giving them the power to draw their own conclusions as to why things should be done that way. We don't allow our kids to think anymore. They just follow rules, and memorize other people's truths without ever finding their own. No wonder why they rebel so much. If they do happen to tap into their own truth, our society has no tolerance for it. In essence, we are telling them that they have no place in our world.

This brings me to what I am experiencing now. I have been finding my inner truth. I have blocked it out for so long thinking that was what I was supposed to do. Now that I have found it, I want it to have a voice. I want to bring it to the surface. For it is the core of who I am.. a core i am proud of and would love to rejoice in. But my truth has no label. It is every religion and it is no religion. It has no name and so it is hard for me to identify..to find others like me.
I find truth in Christianity, but i do not fit as a christian. I find beauty in Judaism, but i do not fit as a Jew. I admire and respect Buddhism and Hinduism...but i am neither. So who do I flock to? where is my place? I describe myself at best as a Christian mystic, but i do not believe that term truly sums me up. As much as I find beauty in not being defined, there is an emptiness in it. All other religions would turn their head at my beliefs..because there is not yet a place for them in this world. Not a permanent one anyway, which thereby leaves me feeling alone and unaccepted.
Knowing this feeling, although its in a slightly different respect, I realize that I can not go on raising my children the way I have. I cannot dictate to them rules they much follow if they disagree with them. I got to let them back in the picture. My kids do not belong to me. They were entrusted to me to care for and guide. They are souls are strong and developed as I am. They have been around just as long as I have. They feel the same things as I have. And while it is my place to guide and protect them. It is not my place to keep them from understanding themselves and their own journey here.

My favorite song from Dar Williams says, "All the things you treasure most will be the hardest ones. I will watch you struggle long before the answers come. But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on. I'll be the light that guides you down the road you're walking on. You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. When they ask how far love goes, when my jobs done you'll be the one who knows."

I cry each time i hear those words. The words of the mother I want to be, the mother I am, the mother i fall short of. It reminds me of my purpose and the jobs I am here to do.
No longer will I fall short of the prize. I do what I must do to become the woman I am.. the mother I need to be...the teacher of my time.

So I go to therapy to unlock the secrets of my power. Can you now see why I love it so?

Saturday, November 8, 2008

What I Want For Christmas

Let me preface this entry by stating that I know that I am complete, and there is nothing in this life that I need. I know this.

However, it is human nature to desire things in this world. There is something that we are taught that tells us that life is much more enjoyable when you have fun things. And right now, in my present state, I agree. I want things!!!

It's been such a very long time that I actually had a real Christmas list of things I truly desired. I have always been blessed in the past, that when there was something I wanted badly enough, I could just go and get it. Simple as that.

But then this economy hit, and my 3 children began eating me out of house and home. I mean seriously..we got nothing. All my money leaves the bank and goes directly into feeding my kids and paying for school stuff. I know the schools are poor too, but seriously...some of the prices on things that were free when i was growing up are absolutely ridiculous.

So now, for the first time since I can remember, I have a Christmas list. It is quite extensive. This list will probably be around for a while because I know that if I am truly blessed, I will hopefully receive perhaps two things on my list, which leaves the rest for next Christmas. My husband will probably receive everything on his insane Christmas list, because..well..he buys it all and then passes them off as family presents. I generally encourage this I suppose, because after I find that he buys all this stuff, I cant bring myself to ask for anything. I mean.. we can't afford anything for me. The Christmas present I was promised last year, I received in August of this year. And that was only because I found something similar to what I wanted at 1/3 of the price. So you can see I am having trouble being hopeful.

So why am I putting all of this stuff down in my blog? I am praying that if I let my desires out there into the universe that God will hear them and my chances of a good Christmas will increase. Selfish? absolutely! But I feel that I deserve to be selfish for once!

So God.. In all your power and glory, I am thankful in knowing that you will supply my hearts desires. I thank you in advance for making this the best Christmas ever for me. Thank you for finding a way to provide me with some of these amazing things. In other words.. You Rock!

Black Simply Vera Tote Bag at Kohls- I know it seems silly that a purse is the first thing I list, but if you only saw this purse, you would understand. It called to me across the department store. I saw it and as I drew near, it captured my heart. It was lovely, divine, and 30% off.

Rock Band 2 - I am a stay at home mom who has sacrificed her dreams (temporarily) for the sake of raising her children. I need to still keep my passions alive. I need to rock out through my X-box 360 to fulfill all my rock star fantasies. Thank you for providing me with this opportunity God. I have a grand feeling I might open this up at Christmas...mainly because its on my husbands list. :)

Brida- It's a book by the amazing and wonderful author Paulo Coelho. It's one of the two translated books by him that I have yet to read. I hear wonderful things. I know.. its just a simple book, but I can't afford to buy books mainly because I can buy my kids pop tarts, and lunch for the week with the money I would need to spend, and that is more important. My public library does not carry this book (boo!!) so I am kinda stuck.

Gift Cards - God, I worked really hard to lose 20 of the 45 pounds I gained from my pregnancy. Now, I know that I can't afford to continue my diet right now, so its put on hold, but I would sure like to have clothes that actually fit me that can help me feel good about myself again. My closet is a size 4 and a size 14. I am a size 8 currently. Please help me out with this God. Thanks!

The Kindle - This I feel really guilty about putting on here, because it is expensive, and I don't really NEED it. I just want it! It's so cool! I can load all these books on it and take it wherever I go. I am really big into reading and I just love it. Anyway, there are things I need more, but God..if you can find a way work this, I will do an amazing dance for you! Sigh.. I wish you accepted bribes.

Red String (Kabbalah) - I find something truly beautiful about wearing the red string. I love what it stands for, I love that it serves as a reminder, But most of all, I think that it would really help me..on my path. I am just learning about it, and yes, there are things that are hard for me to understand and agree with, but this is not one of them. I love it. And since my friend Daniel told me that red curling ribbon will not suffice (sigh) I will add this to the list. God, if someone blesses me with a present that has any sort of red string around it, I am taking it as a sign. :)

Whew.. that felt good and extremely selfish all at the same time. Damn you ego..just let me be.
This is my dream board ( in a sense ). I expressed my desires and now I am happy to see what comes of it all. I expect good things. For I am hopeful.

For those of you who read this, I will let you know post Christmas what happens.


Update: My lovely and wonderful friend Cheryl just bought me Brida as a present. I am so excited!!! Thank you Cheryl !!! One thing crossed off my list. YAY!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pride

Today I am proud.
I am proud of the country I am living in.
I am proud that fear tactics did not stop us.
I am proud that our country came out in record numbers to say, my voice counts and I am going to make sure it is heard.
I am proud that the ideals this country was founded on (for the most part) were honored.
I am proud that millions are inspired.
We turned the tables, we made history, we reminded the world that underneath the surface, we are all people wanting the same thing.

Amidst all the pride, there is still a ways to go in our nations growth.

I am saddened that I must refrain from sharing my joy because I am surrounded by close minded people who would attack me for experiencing national pride after this election.
I am saddened that people's fear and hatred has stopped this country from treating each other equally and fairly.
That equality, something our country was founded on, is seen as a privilege that only a select group is allowed to experience.
I am sad that people forget that the same God who made McCain is the God who made Obama, and he made them both perfect.
That regardless of who is in charge, God's will is still going to be done.
That somehow the Republicans of this country are scared and appalled and somehow forgot that us Democrats felt the same emotions when Bush first won the presidency..yet we are still here.

Overall, I am proud of this exciting and wonderful life our creator made for us and am truly happy to have experienced every emotion that this election has stirred. We all are truly blessed for this experience

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that there are people placed in this world to teach me things I need to learn along my path.

For instance, the guy that runs the sound board at my church is here to teach me anger management. He constantly turns off the stage monitor which results in me screaming into the microphone thus straining my voice and forcing me to sound pitchy. But that's his job. Because through me holding my tongue back from yelling all the explicit words I have in mind for him and by channeling the anger and embarrassment I hold within into something more positive, I am in essence fulfilling one of my life's purposes.

My Pastor taught me through the airing of his video at the beginning of his sermon today, that I must practice tolerance. The video demonstrated that through picking the "wrong man" for president we would be a disappointment to Jesus Christ and we would be giving a green light for our country to slaughter unborn babies. It was also made known that by supporting the Democratic Party we would be pushing children in the San Francisco area into a life of legalized prostitution. Enduring that sermon without walking out during the middle of it was a triumph of my spirit and soul. I reminded myself that ignorance in rampant throughout our country and those that claim to represent everything that is good and loving in this world are often the most judgemental and hypocritical ones. However, I have the power to deflect their negativity and ignorance from affecting my life by tolerating their opinions and reminding myself that they are there to teach me this lesson in tolerance.

The lady who posted a huge handwritten poster on her lawn screaming about how Barack Obama is a baby killer is placed on this earth to remind me that people can easily be lead to believe all kinds of things that are not true and I am blessed to be at a place in my life where I can tune into my soul and the energy of God and make decisions for myself.

Although all these instances and things sparked immediate negative feelings within me, I am blessed to have experienced them today because it is through the recognition of their lessons that I shall continue to grow in my faith.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Bible Study

I host a Bible Study every other Saturday morning with my family. My mother, aunt, and cousins all come over and do this absolutely wonderful study called "So The World May Know". It's a DVD study in which a historian and archaeologist actually goes through Jerusalem, to the actual places major stories of the Bible took place in. You get a sense of the area from a geographic standpoint which helps you appreciate its importance. Then they discuss the story that took place there and its significance. I think its fascinating and I enjoy my study very much.

Today however, it turned a bit ugly for me. I am not sure, but someone brought up the topic of Oprah and how she was too full of herself and proud, but because she follows basic biblical principles, even though she is not a Christian, she is blessed.

Now, I thoroughly enjoy Oprah. I am not one of these women who place her on a pedestal, but i think she comes from a true and authentic place in what she does, and so I appreciate her immensely. When I think of Oprah, i see someone who is extremely generous and giving. I see someone who is demonstrates Christs love for our fellow man. I know that she is a Christian, but she sees a bigger picture in things.

I happened to speak up and tell the group that Oprah is in fact a Christian and that I do not see her as being full of herself in the slightest. She is very honest and open. She is aware that there is still so much to learn from people and is open to it. I respect that.

"She's not really a Christian. She is a mystic! She believes in all that karma crap and yoga stuff. All of that is Hindu belief and such.. that isn't God. She's not Christian! All that meditation garbage...."

I held my tongue. Wow! If this is how she feels about Oprah, what does that mean about how she feels about me. I mean, here I am... very much on the same page as Oprah (not BECAUSE of Oprah mind you), and i am still hosting a Bible study because I very much believe in the Bible and Jesus Christ...but now I am not considered a Christian? Maybe I am not any more....who knows... but is that a bad thing?

They started talking about the whole "A New Earth" garbage. LOL. I told them that I was reading that book and that I enjoyed it. "It's anti-Christian" I was told. Was it? I don't find it to be about "religion" at all. I find it to be about distinguishing your soul from your mind and living your live from an authentic place within your soul.. which is in fact who you really are.

My aunt started blasting meditation. I asked, "What's wrong with meditation?"
"meditating on the Bible is fine. But they want you to do all that garbage about meditating on the God that's within you. As if you yourself are some sort of God."

"Do you believe that our soul is a piece of God?, " I asked.
"Yes, but that is only because I have accepted Jesus Christ. God can't live within your soul unless you accept his son as your personal savior."

Wow, I thought. It's not important to accept God as your savior.. only his son. I believe in Jesus Christ and his teachings 100%. I do believe that he is the son of God. However, I believe we all are the children of God. I believe that accepting Jesus Christ as our personal savior is accepting his teachings and his way of life, his way of interacting with others, is the way to achieve our personal salvation.

This is what I don't get. When someone we love dies, and he is not "saved", we are told to believe that through prayer that they go to heaven because God has mercy on them. Why do we not think that God doesn't have mercy on us while we are alive? I mean look at the millions of people who have lived on this Earth and who have died. Even before Jesus's time. Do we really believe that God discarded them because they did not believe in Jesus who may or may not have existed during their lifetime? Are we to believe that God, the all mighty and all powerful created more than half of us for the reason of destroying us or punishing us for not believing in Him? If we are truly all God's children, do we think that God is a parent that would kick us out of the house and tell us not to come home? Would he not ave a space for us at his table? It doesn't add up to me. There are too many loose strings.

As far as trashing karma, how could that be? Isn't karma nothing more than "being a good christian." Treat others as you believe Christ would have treated them. If you are mean or do bad things to others, you leave yourself open for bad things to happen to you. I mean the Bible is full of stories of how people who did not follow the directions God bestowed upon them are showered by tragedy and obstacles. It was only when they found their way back to God that everything was made right again. Isn't that karma in a nut shell? Do good, you receive blessings. Stray from good, you receive turmoil. What's the difference.

My mother felt uncomfortable. I know she did because she knows that I am broadening my religious horizons and she does not approve. She doesn't want to know about what I am learning or how amazing it has made life. She wants no part of it. She is praying for God to save my soul. She doesn't realize that I am already saved because I feel that I am living in truth. It's weird when we see our parents, our elders, and think.. they still have so much to learn.