Thursday, March 5, 2009
To say that I don't understand myself, is an understatement. I know myself very well. I know how I will react to things, how to best approach me, what words will win me over, how to hurt me the fastest. If I were a text book, I would ace whatever course i was there to represent. However, to truly understand why I am the way I am, is a mystery that slowly unveils itself each and everyday.
Everyone has a safe place. A place where they feel they can relax and be who they are. Where its okay to be scared, or happy, or guilty etc. My safe place is my therapists office. Cliche I know, but its true. There is something about being in an office of a woman who I trust, who I know generally cares about me, and who would never judge me... is so amazing and comforting. No matter what I am thinking or what I have done in the past, I am safe there.
I have been to many therapists and psychiatists in my life. They have been great and all, but I never trusted one as much as the one I have right now. So I am able to open up to her in ways that I never would with anyone else.
SO where is this all going?
Yesterday I had the most intense and emotionally therapy session I ever had, and as a result I am left numb in a sense. While I won't get into the details, I will share that my first relationship I ever had was abusive. Even though I had always known that, I would never admit to myself how serious it was. I always played it off as if it was no big thing. But it was. There in my therapists office, as I weeped uncontrollably, she confirmed to me that I was in fact raped a multitude of times. She confirmed that I am a victim of many other serious sexual assaults as well and it was time that I realized that and accepted it.
Anyone who knows me, especially from my past knows I have always been a vampy sort of girl. No matter what I wore, trashy or demure, I had the tendency to ooze sexuality. I like this about myself. Its something that I am quite fond of. But I never understood how I became that way. It was always a game to me. I put on a show for everyone, showed them what I felt they wanted to see, or played to whatever label they gave me. Usually it was of the minx variety and I was okay with that. I sort of owned that role. I play it real well. But on the inside I was always laughing and crying. Because i knew i was not this person. There was so much more there. But no one wanted to see it. So it was in essence my little secret. My secret identity. Which brings me back to the picture. A woman naked in a corset, covering herself up. Her reflection doesn't quite fit the picture she is portraying. Just as the real me on the inside, doesn't quite make sense to the picture I showed the world. Each day as I grow wiser, I realize why theatre was so important to me. I needed to be playing a part. I had to hide behind something in order to have control. Because circumstances in my past ripped control away from me. And I was not going to live my life being a victim. I was going to do things on my own terms.
I started this entry because i felt a need to finally talk about what happened to me. What I have endured from not one, but several people at different stages of my life. But I now realize that I am not ready to go there just yet. So I am gonna end it right here. Getting this much out has been huge for me. A big step. I dont have many readers so its a safe place for me. I just hope that the loved ones I have that do read this can give me the support I need. I know they will :)
Friday, February 13, 2009
I think I, like most women, were under the illusion that when a woman marries her "prince" that he will take care of her, protect her, tend to her, be there to hold her hands in times of trouble, tell her how beautiful and amazing she is each and everyday, encourage her to do amazing things with her life. We get married to go to "that place" in our lives and to truly share our lives with the person we love so deeply. Well, we were wrong. We all were terribly wrong.
The truth is, I saw my husband more when we were casually dating that I ever do now. I get to see him when he wakes up. For those glorious 10 minutes he comes out of the room, kisses me, grabs a soda, and then he disappears into his routine of getting ready for work. He leaves quickly and I dont see him again until the next morning, when it starts all over again. On his days off, he is trapped in his bedroom watching Sports Center or playing video games with the children. I might get an hour or two of tv time with him in there and then he disappears to the grocery store for an hour and a half to get a taco kit and ice. (sigh)
I think to myself, maybe i should never have married him. If we weren't married, he would have to make an effort to spend time with me and see me. The time he spends with me would not be taken for granted. More importantly, if we were not married, i wouldnt have to spend all my days picking up the diaster areas he leaves behind in the house.
When you get married, you are not taken care of. In fact, I am convinced that men only marry women to get a "mother that they can legally have sex with". They marry you, and then expect you to pay all the bills, do all the chores, do the ironing, dishes, take care of the kids, do the cooking, remember presents on everyone's birthdays, find all the sales, clip the coupons, do the taxes, shovel the driveway, scrub the toilet, and suck their dick all in one day.
I think the beauty of fairy tales were that princes are rich. They had hired help to do everything for them. So there wasnt much left over that the prince needed, so he could spend a little effort showering his woman with affection and praise because afterall when you arent fighting about why the little woman hasnt gotten to the "whites" pile of laundry yet, you have PLENTY OF TIME on your hands.
I think one of two things need to happen in this day and age. Either men need to seriously be educated in chivalry and manners. The importance of people and respect for their feelings....OR all of us women need to stay single. Make a life for ourselves that we can deal with and be proud of and keep a man on speed dial for the times you need sex.
Otherwise you are left on a couch in front of the computer thinking to yourself, " I am married to a man who is never here and has left me with a pack of his children to raise and send him updates on" I feel like those christian charity people who are asking you to send money to sponsor your child and whenever your donation is received, we will send you a picture and tell you how your child is doing. This is Jonathan, he is almost two years old now. He likes Jacks Big Music Show and Mac and Cheese. He is very grateful that you send money to buy him milk. Thanks.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I wish I understood myself better. I laugh at myself for writing that statement because my therapist is constantly amazed at how much of myself I grasp. It is still not enough. There are books on the shelf of my life that are layered in dust or locked with a tiny key. Books that I have convinced myself hold more importance, but the fact is I cannot bring myself to open them because once I do, I am responsible for the content they contain. I will have to do something. I am not sure if I want to do anything.
Brida triggered something big in me, that I dont understand. Sure, I can come up with theories, but they really dont make sense to me. There was something within that book that hit too close to home. Something in that book that rattled the dust off the books on my shelf. Something within that book that made me want to pack up my bags and leave.
I sometimes think that it would be easier if I had no kids or husband. Easier to deal with life. But the truth is that there is no life for me without them. They make me stay. I cannot run anymore, because I have them, I need them, and they need me. I am so blessed that they are here, making me fight the battle.
I have so many ideas, and i talk myself out of all of them. I am so lazy. I hit a road block and in my planning of how to get around it, I turn around and decide to go back home. I wonder what it would be like if I had a team. Like a group pf people fighting alongside me for a common goal. How much easier things would be. How easier it would be for me to fight on. But my ideas or goals dont seem to resonate with most people. Everyone is on their own path, too busy to join forces.
i think of my ex husband a lot. He is this incredible musician. An amazing songwriter. He has all the potential in the world. His only problem was that his voice is an acquired taste. So many people told him how much they loved his music, but the vocals worked against the song. He took it very hard. I was a singer, needing a band. I wanted to collaborate with him. Sing on some of his songs, fill in the missing piece to help make both of our dreams come true He wouldnt have it though. He didnt want me on his songs. He wanted to be the singer. He HAD to be the singer, cause the singer was the front man. The one with all the glory. It made me real sad.
I wonder what could have been if we had teamed forces. I wonder if we would have gone anywhere, been anything. If we would still be together. All I knew was that I couldnt fight alongside with someone who didnt want me there. I needed a partner. So I found one.
Sean and I are very different. Cant say that we professionally want the same things. But as parents and lovers we do. And we fight together for that I just wish that I could find someone to fight beside me with the rest of my dreams. Not saying Sean wouldn't but he just doesnt see them the same way I do.
I dont know what else to say... I guess I am giving up on this too.
This is a picture of last Mother's Day. While I was busy taking care of the crying, screaming baby...my husband and children decided to take a nap. Some Mother's Day. I am supposed to be the one taking naps, being treated like a Queen... but instead, I was left taking care of everything on my own.
Now I am in a bad mood. LOL
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
All the million of little ways you rescued me from my life
You were unexpected, but needed so desperately
You were my reason for living
When I first held you, I thought my body would explode
Never could i have imagined such a love could ever exsist
I felt my body burst with light, with love, with completion
You were there...right there upon my chest
my little savior, my everything.
They say I almost died, but it didn't matter
I would risk my life again and again for you
You are worth everything I could ever give and more
My precious precious angel
I've watched you grow and am so proud of the little man you have become
Always running to my arms
Always needing my love
We've been through so much together
I have put you through so much
I am so sorry for that
Sorry you've had to meander down my paths
waiting for me to get things right
You were such a trooper
I am so proud of you
Now you are older
And even though i yell, and you often are mad or hurt by me
You still come running to my arms
Telling me that you will protect me
Cause you are my little man
I will never forget the Christmas
where you saved money to buy me a present all by yourself
It was the greatest present i ever received
A small heart shaped metal ring
"When a boy loves a girl more than anything in this world
he buys her a ring. Here is your ring mommy, cause i love you
more than anything in this world."
You have brought me more joy than I have ever imagined
You have taught me more about love and life than I could have ever learned on my own
And even though I fall so short everyday, you love me
And forgive me for all the mistakes i make
So Tristan...my angel, my everything
Thank you for giving me the most amazing life I could ever have
Thank you for every lesson you ever taught me
For making me so proud everyday
For having the biggest heart
And for never being embarassed to hug and kiss your mommy no matter how many of your friends are watching
i love you
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's important for us to indulge ourselves every so often. Do do the things that make us happy. Invest the time in allowing ourselves to feel good. Some people have pedicures, some people have a form of art they practice, some run, I go to therapy.
I know many people don't understand this, but its the absolute best thing I could give myself. It's a big shiny present all wrapped up for me. It is my therapists little office, that I realize my truths. That I appreciate the power of my mind, that i slowly can remove the layers of bull shit i have dressed myself in over the years.
The great thing about me going to therapy now, is that there is no crisis in my life. There isn't something that is driving me to the breaking point. There isn't anything major going on. I have managed to learn enough through my previous therapy experiences how to overcome all that. I am grateful. Now, I look at the smaller stuff. The things I tend to brush over, but in fact catalyze so much in my life. That's what I talk about. It feels so good. I feel that I reach deeper and deeper into a state of peace. It's a wonderful thing.
So we have been doing something called EFT. I tap places on my body, while admitting truths about myself and affirmations. At first I felt kinda dumb, but as I did it, this immense clarity came to my thinking, I began to lift the veil off of things and realize the root problem. And as most people know, the root of my problem is me and my mental attitude. I process left me calm and relaxed. It felt wonderful and opened up new realms of truth within me. I find that I am treating my children with more understanding and showing more patience. What a blessing.
I have been doing more and more reading lately. It was brought to my attention that I (as well as society) have been going about teaching children the wrong way. Our facts are one sided. We tell them to do things, without giving them the power to draw their own conclusions as to why things should be done that way. We don't allow our kids to think anymore. They just follow rules, and memorize other people's truths without ever finding their own. No wonder why they rebel so much. If they do happen to tap into their own truth, our society has no tolerance for it. In essence, we are telling them that they have no place in our world.
This brings me to what I am experiencing now. I have been finding my inner truth. I have blocked it out for so long thinking that was what I was supposed to do. Now that I have found it, I want it to have a voice. I want to bring it to the surface. For it is the core of who I am.. a core i am proud of and would love to rejoice in. But my truth has no label. It is every religion and it is no religion. It has no name and so it is hard for me to identify..to find others like me.
I find truth in Christianity, but i do not fit as a christian. I find beauty in Judaism, but i do not fit as a Jew. I admire and respect Buddhism and Hinduism...but i am neither. So who do I flock to? where is my place? I describe myself at best as a Christian mystic, but i do not believe that term truly sums me up. As much as I find beauty in not being defined, there is an emptiness in it. All other religions would turn their head at my beliefs..because there is not yet a place for them in this world. Not a permanent one anyway, which thereby leaves me feeling alone and unaccepted.
Knowing this feeling, although its in a slightly different respect, I realize that I can not go on raising my children the way I have. I cannot dictate to them rules they much follow if they disagree with them. I got to let them back in the picture. My kids do not belong to me. They were entrusted to me to care for and guide. They are souls are strong and developed as I am. They have been around just as long as I have. They feel the same things as I have. And while it is my place to guide and protect them. It is not my place to keep them from understanding themselves and their own journey here.
My favorite song from Dar Williams says, "All the things you treasure most will be the hardest ones. I will watch you struggle long before the answers come. But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on. I'll be the light that guides you down the road you're walking on. You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. When they ask how far love goes, when my jobs done you'll be the one who knows."
I cry each time i hear those words. The words of the mother I want to be, the mother I am, the mother i fall short of. It reminds me of my purpose and the jobs I am here to do.
No longer will I fall short of the prize. I do what I must do to become the woman I am.. the mother I need to be...the teacher of my time.
So I go to therapy to unlock the secrets of my power. Can you now see why I love it so?
Saturday, November 8, 2008
However, it is human nature to desire things in this world. There is something that we are taught that tells us that life is much more enjoyable when you have fun things. And right now, in my present state, I agree. I want things!!!
It's been such a very long time that I actually had a real Christmas list of things I truly desired. I have always been blessed in the past, that when there was something I wanted badly enough, I could just go and get it. Simple as that.
But then this economy hit, and my 3 children began eating me out of house and home. I mean seriously..we got nothing. All my money leaves the bank and goes directly into feeding my kids and paying for school stuff. I know the schools are poor too, but seriously...some of the prices on things that were free when i was growing up are absolutely ridiculous.
So now, for the first time since I can remember, I have a Christmas list. It is quite extensive. This list will probably be around for a while because I know that if I am truly blessed, I will hopefully receive perhaps two things on my list, which leaves the rest for next Christmas. My husband will probably receive everything on his insane Christmas list, because..well..he buys it all and then passes them off as family presents. I generally encourage this I suppose, because after I find that he buys all this stuff, I cant bring myself to ask for anything. I mean.. we can't afford anything for me. The Christmas present I was promised last year, I received in August of this year. And that was only because I found something similar to what I wanted at 1/3 of the price. So you can see I am having trouble being hopeful.
So why am I putting all of this stuff down in my blog? I am praying that if I let my desires out there into the universe that God will hear them and my chances of a good Christmas will increase. Selfish? absolutely! But I feel that I deserve to be selfish for once!
So God.. In all your power and glory, I am thankful in knowing that you will supply my hearts desires. I thank you in advance for making this the best Christmas ever for me. Thank you for finding a way to provide me with some of these amazing things. In other words.. You Rock!
Black Simply Vera Tote Bag at Kohls- I know it seems silly that a purse is the first thing I list, but if you only saw this purse, you would understand. It called to me across the department store. I saw it and as I drew near, it captured my heart. It was lovely, divine, and 30% off.
Rock Band 2 - I am a stay at home mom who has sacrificed her dreams (temporarily) for the sake of raising her children. I need to still keep my passions alive. I need to rock out through my X-box 360 to fulfill all my rock star fantasies. Thank you for providing me with this opportunity God. I have a grand feeling I might open this up at Christmas...mainly because its on my husbands list. :)
Brida- It's a book by the amazing and wonderful author Paulo Coelho. It's one of the two translated books by him that I have yet to read. I hear wonderful things. I know.. its just a simple book, but I can't afford to buy books mainly because I can buy my kids pop tarts, and lunch for the week with the money I would need to spend, and that is more important. My public library does not carry this book (boo!!) so I am kinda stuck.
Gift Cards - God, I worked really hard to lose 20 of the 45 pounds I gained from my pregnancy. Now, I know that I can't afford to continue my diet right now, so its put on hold, but I would sure like to have clothes that actually fit me that can help me feel good about myself again. My closet is a size 4 and a size 14. I am a size 8 currently. Please help me out with this God. Thanks!
The Kindle - This I feel really guilty about putting on here, because it is expensive, and I don't really NEED it. I just want it! It's so cool! I can load all these books on it and take it wherever I go. I am really big into reading and I just love it. Anyway, there are things I need more, but God..if you can find a way work this, I will do an amazing dance for you! Sigh.. I wish you accepted bribes.
Red String (Kabbalah) - I find something truly beautiful about wearing the red string. I love what it stands for, I love that it serves as a reminder, But most of all, I think that it would really help me..on my path. I am just learning about it, and yes, there are things that are hard for me to understand and agree with, but this is not one of them. I love it. And since my friend Daniel told me that red curling ribbon will not suffice (sigh) I will add this to the list. God, if someone blesses me with a present that has any sort of red string around it, I am taking it as a sign. :)
Whew.. that felt good and extremely selfish all at the same time. Damn you ego..just let me be.
This is my dream board ( in a sense ). I expressed my desires and now I am happy to see what comes of it all. I expect good things. For I am hopeful.
For those of you who read this, I will let you know post Christmas what happens.
Update: My lovely and wonderful friend Cheryl just bought me Brida as a present. I am so excited!!! Thank you Cheryl !!! One thing crossed off my list. YAY!