I was searching for a picture for my blog, something that portrayed what my blog was all about. But then, I found this picture. In this picture I saw me. In a way that I could not put into words, or even begin to explain, this picture spoke the truth of me more loudly than i ever could. It was fated to be my blog picture, to stand in my place as I revealed all my secrets. Despite whether they are understood or not.
To say that I don't understand myself, is an understatement. I know myself very well. I know how I will react to things, how to best approach me, what words will win me over, how to hurt me the fastest. If I were a text book, I would ace whatever course i was there to represent. However, to truly understand why I am the way I am, is a mystery that slowly unveils itself each and everyday.
Everyone has a safe place. A place where they feel they can relax and be who they are. Where its okay to be scared, or happy, or guilty etc. My safe place is my therapists office. Cliche I know, but its true. There is something about being in an office of a woman who I trust, who I know generally cares about me, and who would never judge me... is so amazing and comforting. No matter what I am thinking or what I have done in the past, I am safe there.
I have been to many therapists and psychiatists in my life. They have been great and all, but I never trusted one as much as the one I have right now. So I am able to open up to her in ways that I never would with anyone else.
SO where is this all going?
Yesterday I had the most intense and emotionally therapy session I ever had, and as a result I am left numb in a sense. While I won't get into the details, I will share that my first relationship I ever had was abusive. Even though I had always known that, I would never admit to myself how serious it was. I always played it off as if it was no big thing. But it was. There in my therapists office, as I weeped uncontrollably, she confirmed to me that I was in fact raped a multitude of times. She confirmed that I am a victim of many other serious sexual assaults as well and it was time that I realized that and accepted it.
Anyone who knows me, especially from my past knows I have always been a vampy sort of girl. No matter what I wore, trashy or demure, I had the tendency to ooze sexuality. I like this about myself. Its something that I am quite fond of. But I never understood how I became that way. It was always a game to me. I put on a show for everyone, showed them what I felt they wanted to see, or played to whatever label they gave me. Usually it was of the minx variety and I was okay with that. I sort of owned that role. I play it real well. But on the inside I was always laughing and crying. Because i knew i was not this person. There was so much more there. But no one wanted to see it. So it was in essence my little secret. My secret identity. Which brings me back to the picture. A woman naked in a corset, covering herself up. Her reflection doesn't quite fit the picture she is portraying. Just as the real me on the inside, doesn't quite make sense to the picture I showed the world. Each day as I grow wiser, I realize why theatre was so important to me. I needed to be playing a part. I had to hide behind something in order to have control. Because circumstances in my past ripped control away from me. And I was not going to live my life being a victim. I was going to do things on my own terms.
I started this entry because i felt a need to finally talk about what happened to me. What I have endured from not one, but several people at different stages of my life. But I now realize that I am not ready to go there just yet. So I am gonna end it right here. Getting this much out has been huge for me. A big step. I dont have many readers so its a safe place for me. I just hope that the loved ones I have that do read this can give me the support I need. I know they will :)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Unfortunate Truth
Why do people get married???? I am at a point in my life that I have no idea why I got married. Nevertheless, why I got married twice.
I think I, like most women, were under the illusion that when a woman marries her "prince" that he will take care of her, protect her, tend to her, be there to hold her hands in times of trouble, tell her how beautiful and amazing she is each and everyday, encourage her to do amazing things with her life. We get married to go to "that place" in our lives and to truly share our lives with the person we love so deeply. Well, we were wrong. We all were terribly wrong.
The truth is, I saw my husband more when we were casually dating that I ever do now. I get to see him when he wakes up. For those glorious 10 minutes he comes out of the room, kisses me, grabs a soda, and then he disappears into his routine of getting ready for work. He leaves quickly and I dont see him again until the next morning, when it starts all over again. On his days off, he is trapped in his bedroom watching Sports Center or playing video games with the children. I might get an hour or two of tv time with him in there and then he disappears to the grocery store for an hour and a half to get a taco kit and ice. (sigh)
I think to myself, maybe i should never have married him. If we weren't married, he would have to make an effort to spend time with me and see me. The time he spends with me would not be taken for granted. More importantly, if we were not married, i wouldnt have to spend all my days picking up the diaster areas he leaves behind in the house.
When you get married, you are not taken care of. In fact, I am convinced that men only marry women to get a "mother that they can legally have sex with". They marry you, and then expect you to pay all the bills, do all the chores, do the ironing, dishes, take care of the kids, do the cooking, remember presents on everyone's birthdays, find all the sales, clip the coupons, do the taxes, shovel the driveway, scrub the toilet, and suck their dick all in one day.
I think the beauty of fairy tales were that princes are rich. They had hired help to do everything for them. So there wasnt much left over that the prince needed, so he could spend a little effort showering his woman with affection and praise because afterall when you arent fighting about why the little woman hasnt gotten to the "whites" pile of laundry yet, you have PLENTY OF TIME on your hands.
I think one of two things need to happen in this day and age. Either men need to seriously be educated in chivalry and manners. The importance of people and respect for their feelings....OR all of us women need to stay single. Make a life for ourselves that we can deal with and be proud of and keep a man on speed dial for the times you need sex.
Otherwise you are left on a couch in front of the computer thinking to yourself, " I am married to a man who is never here and has left me with a pack of his children to raise and send him updates on" I feel like those christian charity people who are asking you to send money to sponsor your child and whenever your donation is received, we will send you a picture and tell you how your child is doing. This is Jonathan, he is almost two years old now. He likes Jacks Big Music Show and Mac and Cheese. He is very grateful that you send money to buy him milk. Thanks.
I think I, like most women, were under the illusion that when a woman marries her "prince" that he will take care of her, protect her, tend to her, be there to hold her hands in times of trouble, tell her how beautiful and amazing she is each and everyday, encourage her to do amazing things with her life. We get married to go to "that place" in our lives and to truly share our lives with the person we love so deeply. Well, we were wrong. We all were terribly wrong.
The truth is, I saw my husband more when we were casually dating that I ever do now. I get to see him when he wakes up. For those glorious 10 minutes he comes out of the room, kisses me, grabs a soda, and then he disappears into his routine of getting ready for work. He leaves quickly and I dont see him again until the next morning, when it starts all over again. On his days off, he is trapped in his bedroom watching Sports Center or playing video games with the children. I might get an hour or two of tv time with him in there and then he disappears to the grocery store for an hour and a half to get a taco kit and ice. (sigh)
I think to myself, maybe i should never have married him. If we weren't married, he would have to make an effort to spend time with me and see me. The time he spends with me would not be taken for granted. More importantly, if we were not married, i wouldnt have to spend all my days picking up the diaster areas he leaves behind in the house.
When you get married, you are not taken care of. In fact, I am convinced that men only marry women to get a "mother that they can legally have sex with". They marry you, and then expect you to pay all the bills, do all the chores, do the ironing, dishes, take care of the kids, do the cooking, remember presents on everyone's birthdays, find all the sales, clip the coupons, do the taxes, shovel the driveway, scrub the toilet, and suck their dick all in one day.
I think the beauty of fairy tales were that princes are rich. They had hired help to do everything for them. So there wasnt much left over that the prince needed, so he could spend a little effort showering his woman with affection and praise because afterall when you arent fighting about why the little woman hasnt gotten to the "whites" pile of laundry yet, you have PLENTY OF TIME on your hands.
I think one of two things need to happen in this day and age. Either men need to seriously be educated in chivalry and manners. The importance of people and respect for their feelings....OR all of us women need to stay single. Make a life for ourselves that we can deal with and be proud of and keep a man on speed dial for the times you need sex.
Otherwise you are left on a couch in front of the computer thinking to yourself, " I am married to a man who is never here and has left me with a pack of his children to raise and send him updates on" I feel like those christian charity people who are asking you to send money to sponsor your child and whenever your donation is received, we will send you a picture and tell you how your child is doing. This is Jonathan, he is almost two years old now. He likes Jacks Big Music Show and Mac and Cheese. He is very grateful that you send money to buy him milk. Thanks.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Where I have been
I read Brida... and I stopped writing. I stopped trying to teach myself piano. I stopped trying to make my life "better".
I wish I understood myself better. I laugh at myself for writing that statement because my therapist is constantly amazed at how much of myself I grasp. It is still not enough. There are books on the shelf of my life that are layered in dust or locked with a tiny key. Books that I have convinced myself hold more importance, but the fact is I cannot bring myself to open them because once I do, I am responsible for the content they contain. I will have to do something. I am not sure if I want to do anything.
Brida triggered something big in me, that I dont understand. Sure, I can come up with theories, but they really dont make sense to me. There was something within that book that hit too close to home. Something in that book that rattled the dust off the books on my shelf. Something within that book that made me want to pack up my bags and leave.
I sometimes think that it would be easier if I had no kids or husband. Easier to deal with life. But the truth is that there is no life for me without them. They make me stay. I cannot run anymore, because I have them, I need them, and they need me. I am so blessed that they are here, making me fight the battle.
I have so many ideas, and i talk myself out of all of them. I am so lazy. I hit a road block and in my planning of how to get around it, I turn around and decide to go back home. I wonder what it would be like if I had a team. Like a group pf people fighting alongside me for a common goal. How much easier things would be. How easier it would be for me to fight on. But my ideas or goals dont seem to resonate with most people. Everyone is on their own path, too busy to join forces.
i think of my ex husband a lot. He is this incredible musician. An amazing songwriter. He has all the potential in the world. His only problem was that his voice is an acquired taste. So many people told him how much they loved his music, but the vocals worked against the song. He took it very hard. I was a singer, needing a band. I wanted to collaborate with him. Sing on some of his songs, fill in the missing piece to help make both of our dreams come true He wouldnt have it though. He didnt want me on his songs. He wanted to be the singer. He HAD to be the singer, cause the singer was the front man. The one with all the glory. It made me real sad.
I wonder what could have been if we had teamed forces. I wonder if we would have gone anywhere, been anything. If we would still be together. All I knew was that I couldnt fight alongside with someone who didnt want me there. I needed a partner. So I found one.
Sean and I are very different. Cant say that we professionally want the same things. But as parents and lovers we do. And we fight together for that I just wish that I could find someone to fight beside me with the rest of my dreams. Not saying Sean wouldn't but he just doesnt see them the same way I do.
I dont know what else to say... I guess I am giving up on this too.
I wish I understood myself better. I laugh at myself for writing that statement because my therapist is constantly amazed at how much of myself I grasp. It is still not enough. There are books on the shelf of my life that are layered in dust or locked with a tiny key. Books that I have convinced myself hold more importance, but the fact is I cannot bring myself to open them because once I do, I am responsible for the content they contain. I will have to do something. I am not sure if I want to do anything.
Brida triggered something big in me, that I dont understand. Sure, I can come up with theories, but they really dont make sense to me. There was something within that book that hit too close to home. Something in that book that rattled the dust off the books on my shelf. Something within that book that made me want to pack up my bags and leave.
I sometimes think that it would be easier if I had no kids or husband. Easier to deal with life. But the truth is that there is no life for me without them. They make me stay. I cannot run anymore, because I have them, I need them, and they need me. I am so blessed that they are here, making me fight the battle.
I have so many ideas, and i talk myself out of all of them. I am so lazy. I hit a road block and in my planning of how to get around it, I turn around and decide to go back home. I wonder what it would be like if I had a team. Like a group pf people fighting alongside me for a common goal. How much easier things would be. How easier it would be for me to fight on. But my ideas or goals dont seem to resonate with most people. Everyone is on their own path, too busy to join forces.
i think of my ex husband a lot. He is this incredible musician. An amazing songwriter. He has all the potential in the world. His only problem was that his voice is an acquired taste. So many people told him how much they loved his music, but the vocals worked against the song. He took it very hard. I was a singer, needing a band. I wanted to collaborate with him. Sing on some of his songs, fill in the missing piece to help make both of our dreams come true He wouldnt have it though. He didnt want me on his songs. He wanted to be the singer. He HAD to be the singer, cause the singer was the front man. The one with all the glory. It made me real sad.
I wonder what could have been if we had teamed forces. I wonder if we would have gone anywhere, been anything. If we would still be together. All I knew was that I couldnt fight alongside with someone who didnt want me there. I needed a partner. So I found one.
Sean and I are very different. Cant say that we professionally want the same things. But as parents and lovers we do. And we fight together for that I just wish that I could find someone to fight beside me with the rest of my dreams. Not saying Sean wouldn't but he just doesnt see them the same way I do.
I dont know what else to say... I guess I am giving up on this too.
I'm It!
Thank you very much Cher.... (I hope you can hear the sarcasm)
So I am supposed to open the 6th picture in the 6th folder in my picture file. So here it is:
This is a picture of last Mother's Day. While I was busy taking care of the crying, screaming baby...my husband and children decided to take a nap. Some Mother's Day. I am supposed to be the one taking naps, being treated like a Queen... but instead, I was left taking care of everything on my own.
Now I am in a bad mood. LOL
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