Things I've Been Doing Wrong

One of the highlights of my week is going to therapy.

It's important for us to indulge ourselves every so often. Do do the things that make us happy. Invest the time in allowing ourselves to feel good. Some people have pedicures, some people have a form of art they practice, some run, I go to therapy.

I know many people don't understand this, but its the absolute best thing I could give myself. It's a big shiny present all wrapped up for me. It is my therapists little office, that I realize my truths. That I appreciate the power of my mind, that i slowly can remove the layers of bull shit i have dressed myself in over the years.

The great thing about me going to therapy now, is that there is no crisis in my life. There isn't something that is driving me to the breaking point. There isn't anything major going on. I have managed to learn enough through my previous therapy experiences how to overcome all that. I am grateful. Now, I look at the smaller stuff. The things I tend to brush over, but in fact catalyze so much in my life. That's what I talk about. It feels so good. I feel that I reach deeper and deeper into a state of peace. It's a wonderful thing.

So we have been doing something called EFT. I tap places on my body, while admitting truths about myself and affirmations. At first I felt kinda dumb, but as I did it, this immense clarity came to my thinking, I began to lift the veil off of things and realize the root problem. And as most people know, the root of my problem is me and my mental attitude. I process left me calm and relaxed. It felt wonderful and opened up new realms of truth within me. I find that I am treating my children with more understanding and showing more patience. What a blessing.

I have been doing more and more reading lately. It was brought to my attention that I (as well as society) have been going about teaching children the wrong way. Our facts are one sided. We tell them to do things, without giving them the power to draw their own conclusions as to why things should be done that way. We don't allow our kids to think anymore. They just follow rules, and memorize other people's truths without ever finding their own. No wonder why they rebel so much. If they do happen to tap into their own truth, our society has no tolerance for it. In essence, we are telling them that they have no place in our world.

This brings me to what I am experiencing now. I have been finding my inner truth. I have blocked it out for so long thinking that was what I was supposed to do. Now that I have found it, I want it to have a voice. I want to bring it to the surface. For it is the core of who I am.. a core i am proud of and would love to rejoice in. But my truth has no label. It is every religion and it is no religion. It has no name and so it is hard for me to identify..to find others like me.
I find truth in Christianity, but i do not fit as a christian. I find beauty in Judaism, but i do not fit as a Jew. I admire and respect Buddhism and Hinduism...but i am neither. So who do I flock to? where is my place? I describe myself at best as a Christian mystic, but i do not believe that term truly sums me up. As much as I find beauty in not being defined, there is an emptiness in it. All other religions would turn their head at my beliefs..because there is not yet a place for them in this world. Not a permanent one anyway, which thereby leaves me feeling alone and unaccepted.
Knowing this feeling, although its in a slightly different respect, I realize that I can not go on raising my children the way I have. I cannot dictate to them rules they much follow if they disagree with them. I got to let them back in the picture. My kids do not belong to me. They were entrusted to me to care for and guide. They are souls are strong and developed as I am. They have been around just as long as I have. They feel the same things as I have. And while it is my place to guide and protect them. It is not my place to keep them from understanding themselves and their own journey here.

My favorite song from Dar Williams says, "All the things you treasure most will be the hardest ones. I will watch you struggle long before the answers come. But I won't make it harder, I'll be there to cheer you on. I'll be the light that guides you down the road you're walking on. You'll fly away, but take my hand until that day. When they ask how far love goes, when my jobs done you'll be the one who knows."

I cry each time i hear those words. The words of the mother I want to be, the mother I am, the mother i fall short of. It reminds me of my purpose and the jobs I am here to do.
No longer will I fall short of the prize. I do what I must do to become the woman I am.. the mother I need to be...the teacher of my time.

So I go to therapy to unlock the secrets of my power. Can you now see why I love it so?