Thursday, February 5, 2009

Where I have been

I read Brida... and I stopped writing. I stopped trying to teach myself piano. I stopped trying to make my life "better".

I wish I understood myself better. I laugh at myself for writing that statement because my therapist is constantly amazed at how much of myself I grasp. It is still not enough. There are books on the shelf of my life that are layered in dust or locked with a tiny key. Books that I have convinced myself hold more importance, but the fact is I cannot bring myself to open them because once I do, I am responsible for the content they contain. I will have to do something. I am not sure if I want to do anything.

Brida triggered something big in me, that I dont understand. Sure, I can come up with theories, but they really dont make sense to me. There was something within that book that hit too close to home. Something in that book that rattled the dust off the books on my shelf. Something within that book that made me want to pack up my bags and leave.

I sometimes think that it would be easier if I had no kids or husband. Easier to deal with life. But the truth is that there is no life for me without them. They make me stay. I cannot run anymore, because I have them, I need them, and they need me. I am so blessed that they are here, making me fight the battle.

I have so many ideas, and i talk myself out of all of them. I am so lazy. I hit a road block and in my planning of how to get around it, I turn around and decide to go back home. I wonder what it would be like if I had a team. Like a group pf people fighting alongside me for a common goal. How much easier things would be. How easier it would be for me to fight on. But my ideas or goals dont seem to resonate with most people. Everyone is on their own path, too busy to join forces.

i think of my ex husband a lot. He is this incredible musician. An amazing songwriter. He has all the potential in the world. His only problem was that his voice is an acquired taste. So many people told him how much they loved his music, but the vocals worked against the song. He took it very hard. I was a singer, needing a band. I wanted to collaborate with him. Sing on some of his songs, fill in the missing piece to help make both of our dreams come true He wouldnt have it though. He didnt want me on his songs. He wanted to be the singer. He HAD to be the singer, cause the singer was the front man. The one with all the glory. It made me real sad.

I wonder what could have been if we had teamed forces. I wonder if we would have gone anywhere, been anything. If we would still be together. All I knew was that I couldnt fight alongside with someone who didnt want me there. I needed a partner. So I found one.

Sean and I are very different. Cant say that we professionally want the same things. But as parents and lovers we do. And we fight together for that I just wish that I could find someone to fight beside me with the rest of my dreams. Not saying Sean wouldn't but he just doesnt see them the same way I do.

I dont know what else to say... I guess I am giving up on this too.

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

I didn't know that about your ex. That is sad because he might have been able to go farther with you while you were also living your dream. I was reading this blog post the other day about making ourselves accountable to other people - that even if you aren't working on the same thing, you check in with each other and hold each other accountable for your plans and goals. Okay, I'm not explaining it well here, but if you're interested, I can tell you more about it the next time we chat, and I'd be happy to be check-in buddies with you (I could use one too). xoxo