Pride

Today I am proud.
I am proud of the country I am living in.
I am proud that fear tactics did not stop us.
I am proud that our country came out in record numbers to say, my voice counts and I am going to make sure it is heard.
I am proud that the ideals this country was founded on (for the most part) were honored.
I am proud that millions are inspired.
We turned the tables, we made history, we reminded the world that underneath the surface, we are all people wanting the same thing.

Amidst all the pride, there is still a ways to go in our nations growth.

I am saddened that I must refrain from sharing my joy because I am surrounded by close minded people who would attack me for experiencing national pride after this election.
I am saddened that people's fear and hatred has stopped this country from treating each other equally and fairly.
That equality, something our country was founded on, is seen as a privilege that only a select group is allowed to experience.
I am sad that people forget that the same God who made McCain is the God who made Obama, and he made them both perfect.
That regardless of who is in charge, God's will is still going to be done.
That somehow the Republicans of this country are scared and appalled and somehow forgot that us Democrats felt the same emotions when Bush first won the presidency..yet we are still here.

Overall, I am proud of this exciting and wonderful life our creator made for us and am truly happy to have experienced every emotion that this election has stirred. We all are truly blessed for this experience

Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that there are people placed in this world to teach me things I need to learn along my path.

For instance, the guy that runs the sound board at my church is here to teach me anger management. He constantly turns off the stage monitor which results in me screaming into the microphone thus straining my voice and forcing me to sound pitchy. But that's his job. Because through me holding my tongue back from yelling all the explicit words I have in mind for him and by channeling the anger and embarrassment I hold within into something more positive, I am in essence fulfilling one of my life's purposes.

My Pastor taught me through the airing of his video at the beginning of his sermon today, that I must practice tolerance. The video demonstrated that through picking the "wrong man" for president we would be a disappointment to Jesus Christ and we would be giving a green light for our country to slaughter unborn babies. It was also made known that by supporting the Democratic Party we would be pushing children in the San Francisco area into a life of legalized prostitution. Enduring that sermon without walking out during the middle of it was a triumph of my spirit and soul. I reminded myself that ignorance in rampant throughout our country and those that claim to represent everything that is good and loving in this world are often the most judgemental and hypocritical ones. However, I have the power to deflect their negativity and ignorance from affecting my life by tolerating their opinions and reminding myself that they are there to teach me this lesson in tolerance.

The lady who posted a huge handwritten poster on her lawn screaming about how Barack Obama is a baby killer is placed on this earth to remind me that people can easily be lead to believe all kinds of things that are not true and I am blessed to be at a place in my life where I can tune into my soul and the energy of God and make decisions for myself.

Although all these instances and things sparked immediate negative feelings within me, I am blessed to have experienced them today because it is through the recognition of their lessons that I shall continue to grow in my faith.

Bible Study

I host a Bible Study every other Saturday morning with my family. My mother, aunt, and cousins all come over and do this absolutely wonderful study called "So The World May Know". It's a DVD study in which a historian and archaeologist actually goes through Jerusalem, to the actual places major stories of the Bible took place in. You get a sense of the area from a geographic standpoint which helps you appreciate its importance. Then they discuss the story that took place there and its significance. I think its fascinating and I enjoy my study very much.

Today however, it turned a bit ugly for me. I am not sure, but someone brought up the topic of Oprah and how she was too full of herself and proud, but because she follows basic biblical principles, even though she is not a Christian, she is blessed.

Now, I thoroughly enjoy Oprah. I am not one of these women who place her on a pedestal, but i think she comes from a true and authentic place in what she does, and so I appreciate her immensely. When I think of Oprah, i see someone who is extremely generous and giving. I see someone who is demonstrates Christs love for our fellow man. I know that she is a Christian, but she sees a bigger picture in things.

I happened to speak up and tell the group that Oprah is in fact a Christian and that I do not see her as being full of herself in the slightest. She is very honest and open. She is aware that there is still so much to learn from people and is open to it. I respect that.

"She's not really a Christian. She is a mystic! She believes in all that karma crap and yoga stuff. All of that is Hindu belief and such.. that isn't God. She's not Christian! All that meditation garbage...."

I held my tongue. Wow! If this is how she feels about Oprah, what does that mean about how she feels about me. I mean, here I am... very much on the same page as Oprah (not BECAUSE of Oprah mind you), and i am still hosting a Bible study because I very much believe in the Bible and Jesus Christ...but now I am not considered a Christian? Maybe I am not any more....who knows... but is that a bad thing?

They started talking about the whole "A New Earth" garbage. LOL. I told them that I was reading that book and that I enjoyed it. "It's anti-Christian" I was told. Was it? I don't find it to be about "religion" at all. I find it to be about distinguishing your soul from your mind and living your live from an authentic place within your soul.. which is in fact who you really are.

My aunt started blasting meditation. I asked, "What's wrong with meditation?"
"meditating on the Bible is fine. But they want you to do all that garbage about meditating on the God that's within you. As if you yourself are some sort of God."

"Do you believe that our soul is a piece of God?, " I asked.
"Yes, but that is only because I have accepted Jesus Christ. God can't live within your soul unless you accept his son as your personal savior."

Wow, I thought. It's not important to accept God as your savior.. only his son. I believe in Jesus Christ and his teachings 100%. I do believe that he is the son of God. However, I believe we all are the children of God. I believe that accepting Jesus Christ as our personal savior is accepting his teachings and his way of life, his way of interacting with others, is the way to achieve our personal salvation.

This is what I don't get. When someone we love dies, and he is not "saved", we are told to believe that through prayer that they go to heaven because God has mercy on them. Why do we not think that God doesn't have mercy on us while we are alive? I mean look at the millions of people who have lived on this Earth and who have died. Even before Jesus's time. Do we really believe that God discarded them because they did not believe in Jesus who may or may not have existed during their lifetime? Are we to believe that God, the all mighty and all powerful created more than half of us for the reason of destroying us or punishing us for not believing in Him? If we are truly all God's children, do we think that God is a parent that would kick us out of the house and tell us not to come home? Would he not ave a space for us at his table? It doesn't add up to me. There are too many loose strings.

As far as trashing karma, how could that be? Isn't karma nothing more than "being a good christian." Treat others as you believe Christ would have treated them. If you are mean or do bad things to others, you leave yourself open for bad things to happen to you. I mean the Bible is full of stories of how people who did not follow the directions God bestowed upon them are showered by tragedy and obstacles. It was only when they found their way back to God that everything was made right again. Isn't that karma in a nut shell? Do good, you receive blessings. Stray from good, you receive turmoil. What's the difference.

My mother felt uncomfortable. I know she did because she knows that I am broadening my religious horizons and she does not approve. She doesn't want to know about what I am learning or how amazing it has made life. She wants no part of it. She is praying for God to save my soul. She doesn't realize that I am already saved because I feel that I am living in truth. It's weird when we see our parents, our elders, and think.. they still have so much to learn.

The Reminder

I felt my soul today, and she was perfect. She was warm and emitted an red and amber like glow. She brushed my hair away from my forehead and kissed my eyelids. She told me she loved me. And I loved her. She was perfect.

I felt her presence within me like a warm hug. She wrapped herself around me and held me tight. Not too tight. The perfect amount. She was perfect. She told me I was beautiful. She told me I possessed so much talent. She told me that my family, my creator, and all my kindred spirits were so proud of me. She was perfect.

She was excited about all the great things I am to do. She was encouraging in all the opportunities placed before me. She told me that it didn't matter which route that I took, that eventually all of them will be actualized. She said that in the end, none of it is important....but I am important. I am so very important.

She told me that the eyes on my body couldn't see me. That they weren't made to filter the amazing light that emanates from me. Just like they can't stare at sun even though its thousands and thousands of miles away from us. But she could see me. She could see all of me, and what she saw was perfect.

She told me that my body resonated love and beauty. She told me that I inspire others. She told me that I am needed in such a huge way. A way I could never comprehend here on Earth. She told me that I was some one's best friend. That I was some one's greatest love. I was some one's hero. Everything she said, was exactly what I needed to hear. She was perfect.

She told me that she was me. The me that will live for eternity. The only me I would ever have.

I am Perfect.

What Will I Create?

It seems like it would be such a simple thing to answer, but its one of the hardest questions I ever had to ask myself. What will I create?

As I am learning throughout my spiritual journey, I am a creator. It is within my power to create the life I have always dreamed of. It is within my power to be whoever I want to be, experience whatever I want to experience, do whatever I want to do. I have learned that the key to my success is in my passion. If it is something I really want, and truly love doing, it will bring the maximum satisfaction to my life. Everything I desire or need is within my grasp. I get it. But what is it that I want?

There are things in my life that give me tremendous joy. Singing gives me an amazing amount of joy. I always dreamed of writing songs and singing them from a truly personal place within. Sharing a piece of my soul in a way which comes closest to the feelings that they resonate within me. Is that the path I wish to take? Is that who I want to be?

Then there is make-up. It seems simplistic, but make-up brings such joy to me. I loving trying new products, I love painting faces, allowing for people to feel truly beautiful. I love wearing make-up, the feeling it provides to me. Do I want to create my own make-up? Do I want to become a make-up artist? Are either of these things the paths I wish to choose?

There is fashion. I love clothes, I love the way fabric feels on the skin. The way the right cut of a dress can change the way you move your body. How it can change the way you hold your head, the way you talk. Clothes can make you feel confident, smart, sexy. It's a physical way of expressing your inner truth. You can be whoever you want to be. Whenever a desires to be something else than what they see themselves as being, they first change the clothes. I like that. I dig it. Especially the thought of creating my own maternity line. Whenever I was pregnant, i felt depressed because my body was changing and miraculous things things were happening within me, and I couldn't find maternity clothes that expressed what I felt or needed to feel like. I was stuck wearing pastels and flower prints (which anyone who has spent enough time around me knows...those things aren't who I am). I always wished that I could make clothes that would empower women through their amazing experience. Is that the woman I want to be? Maybe.

This is what I know... I like making things pretty. I like it when I can evoke emotion from people. Make them experience something amazing within them. I need for myself to experience beauty.. both within me and in everything round me. I want others to experience the same beauty. I will do something that touches many souls in a beautiful and positive way. I just know know yet what that is . Perhaps you can shed some light on how I can find out what it is.

Sixth Grade Theology

When I was in the 6th grade, I can remember sitting in the basketball courts of Greenwood Lakes Middle School during recess and sharing opinions on the worlds problems with a few of my dear friends. We would talk about politics (although all we really knew was whatever our parents told us on the matter), world hunger (when we don't finish our meals at the restaurant, does it really have an effect on the children in Africa who have no food?) and of course theology.

The theology discussion was always the most interesting because our views were so different. We were only twelve years old and yet we had different elaborate theories on what our life's purpose was and our views of the afterlife. I remember my friends saying that the purpose in life was to love. Pure, simple, undeniable. We loved it. I remember hearing that it was to help others and those yet to come. Again.. beautiful, caring, loved it. I remember on the day I shared, I really didn't have an answer to our lives purpose, but I had a viewpoint. I told our group that despite everything I learned and had been told, that I did not believe in hell as being an afterlife. I believed that the life and the world that we were living in was in essence hell and that our purpose was to fight through, keep our faith, and find our way back to God. If we failed to do so by our life's end, we were forced to come back and try again. If we messed up and ended up ax murders or something, we were forced to come back again and again until we got it right. Then we would leave this place and go to heaven. I remember it was the first time this view had ever occurred to most of them, but they were accepting of it. Ahh to be a kid again.
Now I know, or believe, that there are several details of my theory that I don't agree with today. For instance, the belief that we have to somehow prove ourselves to God in order to be rewarded. I believe that THAT pressure to please came from man and not God. I do not believe that God sets out to punish the behavior that he in essence allows us to act upon. But the part about the life we are experiencing to be the closest thing to hell that we experience. That part I believe I had right. Our disconnection from our true selves. Our inability to see or experience God in our day to day. Our misinterpretation of the ideas of the brain and the words of other men as being our truths rather than the eternal truth within. All of that is hell. We experiencing the opposite of what is true constantly. And that experience. The agony of the experience, the pain.. THAT is hell.
What's funny is that as I got older, I brushed my theories under the table and began to mock them in a sense. I was evolving and learning "the truth" about everything, when in fact, all I was doing was moving farther away from the truth. We know more truth when we are babies, toddlers, elementary school kids than we do as adults. All the education we receive to thrive in this world most often does not help our souls thrive.
It made me ask myself as I went to yell at my 8 year old about his recent math grades. Is this really important. Sure this society holds it as being important, but is it really something important to our life experience? Is part of the reason my son is here is to get A's in math? I don't think so. He has a divine calling which has little to nothing to do with his math grade. So instead of yelling at him, I hugged him and ask if he did his best. he told me he did, and I told him that THAT was all that mattered. I loved him, God loves him, and he is perfect.
Of course he made a complete mess of his room and I screamed and yelled at him for that.
What?? I told you I am not perfect. I am still learning. And I got a lot more to do.

My Friend in Need

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. Trying to educate myself to things that I don't understand. Some days the things I learn alter my reality is such a huge way. Other times, nothing much changes. Today, I read something that set off a memory of an amazing experience I had during a very difficult time in my life. I thought that perhaps tonight was the night to share my experience.

About 10 years ago, while in college, I went through a very difficult time. I lost several people who were very close to me in a very short span of time. I found it hard to deal with all the pain that their deaths left me with. I felt emotionally numb. I ceased caring about anything. I would space out and lose track of time. I would find myself across town not knowing how I got there or what I had done in the hours prior to me "waking up". Inside I was reeling, but on the outside it looked as if there was nothing wrong. Little did I know that what I was experiencing then was only the beginning. Following the experience I am about to share, I experienced the loss of 4 other people. People who had touched me in a very deep way. Had it not been for what had happened to me, I might not have gotten through it. This is why I am so grateful.

I crawled into my bed one night and wrestled with my thoughts. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking of, but I know that I tossed and turned for a long period of time before I drifted off to sleep. When sleep finally came to me, what I experienced was something quite different from any dream I had ever had before. I was outside on a patio walking toward an amazingly beautiful church. It was so bright outside. This bright white light. The building was this bright cream stucco color. I remember looking around and seeing trees that were the most amazing shade of green and hearing birds singing the most beautiful song. Everything was so beautiful.. so peaceful.. It was amazing. There were many people there. We were all walking inside the church. There was a priest standing outside holding the door open for everyone. He was dressed in all black with the white cleric collar showing at the center top of his black collared shirt. As I approached the door he said, "Welcome. Catholics to the left, all other denominations to the right" I looked inside the church. It was so ornate, so regal. The church was decorated in these rich shades of green, burgundy, and gold. I felt like I was in a palace of sorts. I looked to the left and saw that all the seats were filled and that there were crowds of people standing up in the back. I looked to the right and saw a few empty rows of seats.

"I am Catholic, but that section is full so..", I told the priest at the door.

"That's okay, it doesn't matter what side you sit on." he replied

"You know, that's okay. I think I am just gonna sit outside and wait for my friends to get out. Church isn't really my thing anyway."

I noticed a picnic bench at the corner end of the patio by a refreshments table. I made my way over to it and had a seat. The priest closed the doors to the church and made his way over to the table. He poured himself a cup of coffee and put a doughnut on a plate. He then made his way over to the table. He placed the plate in front of me, and sat down.

"I'm with you", he said, "I'd rather have free coffee and doughnuts any day." He then looked me in the eyes and asked, "So what's your story anyway?"

For some reason I was unaware of, I began to tell him my entire life story. Every trial I had ever been through, every disappointed experience.. i put EVERYTHING out there. When I was finally done, I looked up to a very empathic face.

"Wow! That's tough. It couldn't have been easy for you."

"No, it wasn't"

"But you know, it's all going to be okay don't you?"

"Yeah."

"No. You are not listening to me. You are going to be okay."

I looked up into his eyes as he then said, "Do you know who I am?"

Immediately my mind started churning. He asked if I knew who he was, that meant that I should know him. I went through every name and face in my memory and came up with nothing. I had no idea who this man was. But my mouth opened and said....

"Yes, you are God. You can come in any form you want."

"Or any form you give me. And you made me a priest? Now that's just funny." He got up off of the bench and said, "Remember.. Everything is going to be alright." I watched him walk away when the bright light of the sun blinded me and I opened my eyes.

I was still. I was at peace. I had merely just opened my eyes. Immediately I recognized that I didn't "wake up" like I normally do from sleep. It was if I was already awake. All I did was open my eyes. I felt this energy resonate within my body. I felt amazing. I felt complete. I began questioning whether what I had just experienced actually happened. It had. I had talked to God. God came to me and chatted over coffee and doughnuts. He was funny and understanding. He was so cool. He ditched church with me! He said that denominations didn't matter. How amazing was that?

I shared my story with a few others who simply dismissed it as a dream, even though they feigned excitement for me. "Wow.. that's really amazing. Ha.. talked to God...." That kinda thing. But you can tell when someone doesn't believe you. I believed though. I believed.

What I just realized while typing this out was the story of how I allowed Christ back into my life. My mother got a flyer in the mail for a new church starting up and they were advertising free Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Starbucks coffee. My mom said, "let's go. If it sucks, at least we'll get a good breakfast out of it." That's what brought me to church. To rededicating my life to God. Free coffee and doughnuts. The same breakfast I shared with God. :)